


Spill Your Thoughts

by Engineer104



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bullying, But mostly fluff, Diary/Journal, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Mild Language, Mutual Pining, Pidge Birthday Exchange 2018, Slow Build, except not really, little bit anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-14 10:36:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 24,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14134323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Engineer104/pseuds/Engineer104
Summary: Mom bought me this notebook hoping I’d “organize my thoughts” or “find therapeutic value in it” or something like that. Personally, I think she’s just hoping I’ll leave it lying around somewhere so she can snoop into what’s going on in my life when I don’t want to tell her.Mom, if you’re reading this, it’s not going to work because I do not need to keep a journal. So what if I don’t have any friends to vent to?---aka an AU where Pidge's journal is just that and nothing more





	1. April 2015 to June 2017

**Author's Note:**

> And this is my Pidge Birthday Exchange fic for [shiroikumo](http://shiroikumo.tumblr.com/)!! Hope you like it!! And also thanks to the mods for hosting the event and to [rueitae](https://rueitae.tumblr.com/) for offering suggestions and taking the time to beta!!
> 
> This took an awful lot of cues from my own remembered high school experience, so that was fun
> 
> Also please note: I did not cross-reference the dates (selected mostly at random) with when they actually occurred, so if you find that Pidge goes to school on a Sunday, for example, forgive me for my laziness

**4/3/15**

“It’s my birthday and all I got was this stupid journal” sounds like it should be the title to a Fallout Boy song.

(Speaking of Fallout Boy, why did they call themselves that? Is it…nuclear fallout? Eh, whatever; I don’t listen to them but Matt likes them so when he’s driving me somewhere I’m stuck listening to them too.)

Anyway, Mom bought me this notebook hoping I’d “organize my thoughts” or “find therapeutic value in it” or something like that. Personally, I think she’s just hoping I’ll leave it lying around somewhere so she can snoop into what’s going on in my life when I don’t want to tell her.

Mom, if you’re reading this, it’s not going to work because I do not need to keep a journal. So what if I don’t have any friends to vent to?

Well, at least she took care when choosing the binding. It’s fake leather so that’s cool.

* * *

**4/30/15**

Dear Journal,

(I guess that’s how you’re supposed to start journal entries? It feels weird; maybe I should give it a name instead?)

I can’t wait till I finish eighth grade and move onto high school because oh my God I’m so  sick of the jerks in my class. Today someone stole my pudding cup and, it’s so weird because I don’t even like pudding but I’m still so  mad and just want to be  done . Last week Jack the Jerk took my class notes to copy without  asking and  maybe I would’ve let him see them if he’d asked! But I guess the world may never know because he was a jerk about it!

(GAH)

Now that I got that out of the way…I hope high school is better. I always feel a little out of place, and Mom and Dad tell me it’s because I’m smarter than my age and that my classmates are jealous, but I don’t really  agree . There are plenty of other smart kids in my class, and sure they didn’t skip sixth grade like I did but  they don’t get picked on for volunteering answers in class.

Though…apparently teachers don’t really appreciate it when you correct them, or know more than they do about the subject they’re teaching.

In high school, maybe I can get a fresh start. And Matt will be there too! At least for another year anyway, and maybe by the time he  is done I’ll actually have friends?

Ha, a girl can dream.

* * *

**5/31/15**

Dear  ~~ Turing ~~ Journal,

I’M FREE!!!!!

No more middle school! At last it’s summer and I have the rest of my life to look forward to.

The graduation ceremony was boring. This year they did something weird too and instead of the valedictorian (me) getting a speech, the class nominated someone to speak.

Of course they didn’t nominate me, but I can accept that. I didn’t want to write a speech anyway.

Well, since I graduated with good grades, I’m going to see if I can hold Mom and Dad to the promise of getting a dog. I NEED a dog, for Science, which is something they should both understand, obviously.

Unlike usual, we don’t have some big family vacation planned. Poor Matt made the mistake of signing up for an SAT retest in July, the loser, and I convinced Dad to let me go to work with him sometimes.

(I can’t be there when they do “classified” stuff though…Sigh.)

* * *

**6/17/15**

Dear  ~~ Curie ~~ Journal,

Thanks, Dad, for moving us to California and making us suffer through desert heat. I  really appreciate learning I can sweat in places I never thought sweat would come out of.

Ah, well, at least it gives me an excuse to wear a sundress sometimes. I like twirling around…but if Matt ever finds out I will have to murder him. (Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead after all.)

I like going to work with Dad  less that I thought I would. I guess he’s so highly ranked most of his work is paperwork in the office and I’m getting  bored . I can only build so many sculptures out of paper clips, and even reading isn’t helping. Is it too late to sign up for that space camp in Alabama?

* * *

**7/11/15**

Dear  ~~ Lovelace ~~ Journal,

Matt totally “wrecked” the SAT today, or so he says. I’m inclined to believe him because he refused to do anything with me for the last two weeks while he studied. And now we can  finally go see the new Terminator movie!

(Of course, Matt’s now freaking out about college applications, which, well, I would be too if I had to write a bunch of essays. And…oh, that  will be me one day. Crap.)

(And another pro about having a journal is that I can  swear in it and Mom can’t lecture me about my language!)

* * *

**7/12/15**

Dear  ~~ Tesla ~~ Journal,

The new Terminator movie sucked, but at least it didn’t suck as badly as the new Avengers movie.

* * *

**7/31/15**

Dear Rover,

I start high school in only two weeks! I’m both excited and nervous but because I’m going to the same school as Matt I won’t have to take the bus anymore!

I get my class schedule the same week as school starts too. I hope I have some of the same teachers Matt had, so he can at least tell me what to watch out for…like who grants extensions for essays or something.

And I can sign up for robotics and Scholars’ Bowl like Matt!  And he’s team captain for Scholars’ Bowl this year which is great for him.

And I have to start strong if I want to get into a good college. Oh, crap, my pen’s about to slip out of my hand…

* * *

**8/13/15**

Dear Rover,

How do people already have friends on the first FREAKING day of school?

Also, my English teacher, Mr. Haxus, is a jerk? “If it’s even ten minutes late you get half credit at most.”  Excuse you some of us have better things to do than correct a stranger’s grammar!

I just…lunch was awful because Matt doesn’t even have the same lunch as me, and I forgot my book at home so I didn’t even have that with me. And the school’s not even that big but I got lost and was late to algebra II. I hope tomorrow’s better.

I told Mom and Dad that school was fine though. I think they were hoping it would be better than middle school and, well, so was I.

* * *

**8/23/15**

Dear Rover,

At least I got on the Scholars’ Bowl team! Except some of the bitter upperclassmen I beat out think Matt has something to do with it. Obviously he doesn’t, because Dr. Montgomery selects the students, and she must’ve thought I was more competent than they were.

* * *

**9/1/15**

Dear Rover,

Ugh I aced my first algebra II test  but got a low score on my first English essay because I was  ten freaking minutes late to class. And even when I explained it was because my stupid brother overslept Haxus was  still a jerk about it! It’s not  my fault Matt takes longer to do his hair than I take to do mine! And it’s not my fault that English is my first class!

On the bright side, Scholars’ Bowl practice starts this week and we have our first meet end of October. I’m excited! Robotics club also started meeting but they’re not as freshman friendly.

I finished my book too (my favorite character died and I’m upset) and it was the last in the series so now I have to dig up a new one. Maybe I’ll visit the library during lunch tomorrow…

* * *

**10/31/15**

Dear Rover,

We had our first Scholars’ Bowl meet today, and we would’ve gotten first place if it wasn’t for Matt.

I’m SO mad at him right now, and so are Mom and Dad, but I think for different reasons.

It’s just that during awards, Matt and a student from a rival school got a little too into their cheering and ended up trying to one-up each other, but unlike Matt, the other student wasn’t on the rival school’s team. He was just there to support them, so their team didn’t get disqualified and ended up placing  first .

Their score was lower than ours too!

Dammit Matt.

~~ The rival student was kind of cute though. ~~

Anyway I’m mad because we got disqualified, and Mom and Dad are mad at Matt because they “raised [him] better than this”, and now Matt’s mad because now he can’t go to a Halloween party with Shiro.

He’d better not think I can forgive him so easily as to let him beat me at Super Smash Bros though.

* * *

**11/11/15**

Dear Rover,

I went to the mall with Mom because I need a new pair of khaki pants and guess who I saw at the food court?

It was awards altercation guy! He was there with another kid, I think a student from the rival school - Blue View, I think they’re called - and oh I think we accidentally made eye contact but it’s fine because he didn’t recognize me!

(I think.)

Anyway, in case you’re wondering, I didn’t get any pants because it took too long to find a pair that I would like and Mom was getting impatient with me and I kept giving the Apple Store heart-eyes (or, that’s how Matt would describe it) and dragging my feet and she got frustrated with me.

Eh, well, I don’t really like shopping anyway.

Also, Matt finished all his college applications and has officially turned into the laziest student in the world.

* * *

**11/24/15**

Dear Rover,

Nonna’s for Thanksgiving. Sadly you must stay at home because if any of my cousins got a hold of this…

* * *

**12/1/15**

Dear Rover,

NEW STAR WARS MOVIE COMES OUT THIS MONTH I’M SO EXCITED I’M GOING TO DRAG MATT TO THE MIDNIGHT PREMIERE I ALREADY BOUGHT TICKETS FOR US AND DAD (after I…stole Mom’s credit card but she’ll understand that it’s for Science) AND IT’S GOING TO BE SO GOOD I CAN FEEEEEEL IT.

But first…final exams and another Scholars’ Bowl meet. Kill me now.

* * *

**12/13/15**

Dear Rover,

Second Scholars’ Bowl meet! This time we  did get first place because Matt learned his lesson last time. Of course, that guy tried to pull him into another shout-off, but Matt didn’t fall for it this time (seriously, it’s a school day. Doesn’t this guy have to be at school?). Sadly Blue View was only a couple points below us, so we’re in a precarious position.

Maybe  we just need supporters like that guy?

* * *

**12/18/15**

Dear Rover,

OH MY GOD I WAS RIGHT THE NEW STAR WARS MOVIE WAS SO GOOD I LOVE ALL THE NEW CHARACTERS AND IT’S SO GREAT. It’s like the original trilogy in all the best ways too! Dad and Matt liked it too of course, but I? I  loved it and I will never shut up about it.

Except, well, something strange happened at the movie…

Turns out Support Guy and his Scholar friend went to the same showing as we did, and he and Matt…had a laugh? It was actually kind of funny after the initial awkwardness, but after a few minutes he and Matt were like best friends and talking about Star Wars and school along with that guy’s friend, and they even pulled me and Dad into the conversation.

Dad just kind of went along with it. I don’t think he was super happy, because of course he remembers what happened on Halloween.

Matt introduced me as “Pidge” though so I’m a little miffed about that.

Anyway, Support Guy’s name is actually Lance and his friend’s name is Hunk - which is a weird name but it seems to suit him. Turns out Hunk is in his school’s robotics club too! And Lance is the Scholars’ Bowl team’s alternate, but his heart lies with the swim team…or something like that. Lance talks with his hands a lot and nearly smacked Hunk in the face a couple times.

It was a good night, I think, but I’m exhausted! And  crap I still have to buy Christmas presents…

* * *

**12/22/15**

Dear Rover,

I got my first semester report card. Did great in algebra II, of course, but not so great in English. Got too many tardies in English too, but Mom and Dad got more pissed at Matt about that than at me.

But break is nice! I’m trying to build my own computer now out of some old parts, and it’s coming together well. I’m just missing a few so I’ll need to shop around on the Internet and convince Dad to let me borrow his card.

Needless to say, he and Mom were not happy to learn how I bought the movie tickets.

I also finally found gifts for Matt, Mom, and Dad, but now I just need to wrap them and write them cards. And I can’t find my favorite pen in its usual place.

* * *

**12/25/15**

Dear Rover,

WE GOT A DOG! He was adopted from a shelter and came with the name Bae-Bae for some strange reason but we can’t change it because he answers to it. He’s a really smart dog though, and doesn’t jump onto the furniture without permission so Mom’s really happy about that.

I also got a new pair of headphones from Matt, a USB drive from Dad (it’s got a stupid amount of storage which is  great ), and a few sweaters and a new book about space that I’ve been wanting for a while from Mom.

And now…we must go to church, the most boring part of Christmas.

* * *

**1/1/16**

Dear Rover,

It’s after midnight and Matt promised he’d be home by then but he’s still out and we’re all worried. He was out with Shiro and they were doing whatever it is teenage boys in the throes of “senioritis” do after they’ve sent out their college applications but—

Oh, doorbell just rang. It’s Matt. He’s grounded.

* * *

**2/14/16**

In honor of the day, I present a love poem for my soulmate:

Roses are red,  
Violets are blue,  
Windows sucks,  
But Mac does too.

Can you believe my computer crashed  again ? I really need to finish building my own, though I don’t fancy my options for operating systems.

Also, Bae-Bae, you are a fully grown dog and should  not be chewing on the charger cable.

* * *

**2/29/16**

Dear Rover,

I should text Shiro and wish him a happy birthday, considering it only comes once every four years.

* * *

**3/1/16**

Dear Rover,

Matt got into his top choice school, which is on the East Coast. I’m happy for him but I also don’t want him to leave because there goes my only friend…

I’m tired of spending lunch alone in the library because I don’t have anyone else to sit with. And now Matt’s graduating and I can’t go with him and he’s not staying even if he gets into a state school here.

(He will, obviously; he’s not a genius like me but he’s pretty damn close.)

I just wish I had a few more friends but at this point everyone’s already set in their friend groups and there’s no way to kind of insinuate myself into one. Even with the other self-professed “nerds”; most of them are mouth-breathing dudes who give me a once-over every time I pass their lunch table and it’s gross.

I’m so  ready for high school to end. I’m more than ready for college already.

Anyway, I’ll be fine. Now I just have to work hard to get through the next three-and-a-half years. Guess Matt won’t be here to distract me anymore next year, right?

*insert bitter laughter here*

* * *

**3/15/16**

Dear Rover,

Ugh Blue View got first place at the meet today, and Lance looked even  smugger than anyone that was actually competing. He didn’t rub it in Matt’s face so much as mine though, and I don’t really get why?

Also it turns out Matt and Lance exchanged numbers when we went to see Star Wars despite only knowing each other for all of two hours once you take away all the intervening time. They’re weird. I asked Matt about it and he said he likes Lance’s sense of humor which, okay. I guess that makes sense, somewhat.

Anyway there’s only one more meet left this school year and if we don’t score high then Blue View takes the season’s trophy and we cannot let that happen.

Also, side note: Matt got accepted to a few more schools, some more local, but his heart’s pretty much set on the Dream School. That’s fair, though Dad’s already grumbling about the strain on his college fund and Mom’s pretty much implied that Matt’s going to be in debt for basically the rest of his life unless he’s the next Bill Gates or Steve Jobs.

Matt said he’d rather be the next Wozniak though, and I’m inclined to agree.

* * *

**4/3/16**

Dear Rover,

I had the greatest birthday present today in the form of an asthma attack.

No, wait, listen, it’s not as bad as it sounds!

So we had to run the mile today in PE, which is, of course, the Worst, but even after I warned the coach that I had severe asthma and that I should, thanks to a handy doctor’s recommendation the school nurse keeps on file, sit this one out, she insisted I run, because  of course . Anyway, I ran, because I don’t particularly want to get stuck in detention after school and scrub the locker room floor and get a staph infection or something.

I finished in record time (for me)! Except I had an asthma attack out of it and they had to send for my emergency inhaler all the way at the nurse’s office and the nurse recommended I go home early just in case. So now Mom is pissed at the school because coach made me run even after being told I have asthma.

Coach is on probation now and she’ll think twice next time she has me do anything “too strenuous”. Take  that .

Also! Mom and Dad chipped in to buy me an important part for my computer! Just a few more and I can put it together and start booting it up!

* * *

**5/13/16**

Dear Rover,

I’m amazed because my first year of high school is almost over. I have final exams in less than two weeks which isn’t wonderful but hey I’ll survive them. No, what has me worried is the Scholars’ Bowl meet tomorrow, because our season score is all tied up with Blue View’s, and whoever wins the most points tomorrow will win the season title and go into next year the reigning champion. And I want us to win, partly because winning is great, but also because it’s Matt’s last year and he’s our captain so he  deserves it before he goes off to college.

God, I’m going to miss him. I’ve already made him promise to come home for all breaks longer than a week. I’ll allow him three-day weekends, but if it’s a week or more he  has to come home.

Mom made him swear it too, and she made him swear it in God’s name so you know she’s serious since she went full-on Catholic for it.

Anyway…I still have to study for finals…and it’s an essay on a book I haven’t even started for English so just shoot me now.

* * *

**5/14/16**

Dear Rover,

WE WON THE SEASON CUP!

Oh my God, we even tried to do that sports thing and dumped our water bottles over Dr. Montgomery’s head. I kept a little in mine for later and drained it onto Matt.

And, ha, poor Blue View looked so disappointed; Lance wasn’t even competing but he was still  pouting! ~~ Is it weird he looks cute like that? ~~

Well, sadly this means no more Scholars’ Bowl until next fall, which is fine. I have exams to study for anyway, and hey, at least we have a vacation to look forward to this year! It’s sort of Matt’s graduation present, since he’s wanted to go to Disney World his entire life (and kept insisting to Dad that “Disneyland is  subpar ” - his words, not mine) so we’re going to Florida for two weeks in June. We’re going to Cape Canaveral too! Except there’s obviously no rocket launch while we’re there but it’ll still be cool to see the launch pad.

But for now, I suffer.

* * *

**5/25/16**

Dear Rover,

Matt and Shiro walked today. Matt freaking  dabbed when he accepted his diploma from Iverson, whose one eyelid got really twitchy when he did.

I can’t believe Matt was only 0.001 of a point away from tying for valedictorian, and Vista Verde is almost as stupid as my old middle school except the valedictorian actually gets to  give a speech. So Matt was…speechless?

He was fine with that though. “Hey,  I’m the one who got into an Ivy League, Pidge, so why would I care about giving a speech? That’s just extra work!”

(Ha, he so cares.)

Well, Matt’s home through the summer until August, and we’re going to Florida in three weeks so I’d better make what I can of the time that’s left.

* * *

**6/12/16**

Dear Rover,

Somehow I scraped an A- in English. I’m not sure  how I did it, but I’m not going to complain. Anyway, now the summer starts in earnest! Time to pack…

Crap, we’re leaving tomorrow morning - ugh I have to wake up at 4 AM so we can drive to the airport - but I haven’t started packing yet. Which I should probably go do now…

* * *

**7/3/16**

Dear Rover,

Florida is humid and I never want to go back again for that reason alone. Also  mosquitoes .  And I have the worst sunburn ever. Seriously, I walked into the bathroom one morning, still half asleep after Dad woke us up way earlier than humanly possible, and was  really confused about whose face looked back at me from the mirror.

Seriously, I look like a freaking  tomato . I even freckled some, mostly on my face underneath the sunburn but also on my arms and legs.

Speaking of the humidity, it was so hot - and it’s so hot  here too - that I kind of want to chop my hair off just so it doesn’t stick to my neck when I sweat. It’s just so uncomfortable?

Also it should be noted that Disney World is, in fact, superior to Disneyland…or it would be if it wasn’t in freaking  Florida . For one, Space Mountain in Magic Kingdom beats the one at Disneyland, and of course, Animal Kingdom and Epcot are  amazing .

And hey, the launch pad and Kennedy Space Center were pretty cool too.

There was turbulence on the flight, but honestly, I love flying! I love that weird swooping sensation in my belly, kind of like you get on roller coasters but a little gentler and more gradual if the pilots know what they’re doing. And the view! I think I spent at least an hour just watching the clouds, and Mom said we passed over the Grand Canyon but I fell asleep halfway through the flight home and didn’t wake up until we were already descending.

Anyway tomorrow’s July 4th. Fireworks are illegal in town, even handheld sparklers, but Matt and Shiro (I want to know how Matt made him an accomplice) smuggled some in from a few towns over and we’re going to set some off tomorrow night while Mom and Dad are at a dinner party. Should be fun, and Shiro at least has already made sure we’ll have a fire extinguisher handy.

* * *

**7/4/16**

Dear Rover,

Dad found out about the fireworks. We’re lucky he’s not telling Mom…

Also, Shiro brought a friend of his from out of town! His name is Keith and he’s in my grade and will be going to Vista Verde too. He’s not very talkative but he seemed to have fun with the fireworks. Maybe I’ll have a friend at school this year after all?

Ha, a girl can dream.

* * *

**7/8/16**

Dear Rover,

I went bowling with Matt today, and we met Shiro and his friend Keith there too. Except, somehow completely by coincidence (or so Matt assured me), Lance and Hunk were also there.

Wow, I haven’t seen either of them since the last Scholars’ Bowl meet, which is so funny because before that it’s not like I saw them often anyway. But it was kind of…nice? Seeing them without the competition anyway.

Okay, that’s not factually accurate, because of course they were here to bowl like us, and even though I  know (or think?) they’ve never met before Lance and Keith especially got a little absorbed into competing with each other. In the end, Keith beat Lance by only a few points. Not that it mattered to him though, since Lance spent most of the rest of the time we were hanging out fuming.

Shiro, naturally, scored the highest. And Hunk has a really good arm on him but his aim wasn’t that great. Also I beat Matt! Ha, I’m going to rub that into his face until he beats me again.

My nose is finally starting to peel, which is good except it’s really itchy and now there are tiny white flakes falling from it. Stupid Lance asked me why I didn’t put on sunscreen. Of course  he would tan perfectly - it’s almost funny how much noticeably darker he’s gotten since the last time I saw him. He and Hunk said they’ve already been to the beach a few times this summer.

Wait, what was I saying? Oh, right, I told him I  did put sunscreen on, thank you very much. I just…didn’t mention that I forgot to reapply after a few hours ~~even after Mom~~ ~~ and Dad  and ~~ ~~Matt reminded me~~.

Lance is also insufferable in general, because I can’t  believe he tried to hit on the girl at the shoe counter. She looked like she was in college  at least ! She laughed him off when she handed him his shoes, and Hunk gave him grief for it afterward though so I guess no harm done.

Well…guess I still have to plan out what I’m going to make Matt do with me before he leaves for college. Maybe there’s an interesting movie coming out soon.

* * *

**7/15/16**

Dear Rover,

The Ghostbusters reboot was actually good! And funny! I lost my breath laughing a few times so that was nice.

One more month till I go back to school, and until Matt leaves. Crap.

At least my sunburn’s gone.

* * *

**8/12/16**

Dear Rover,

Matt’s almost done packing and I’ve got my sophomore year schedule and holy freaking crap I somehow got the exact same English teacher  again ? God, of all the rotten luck…

At least I have Dr. Montgomery for chemistry. And my first AP class…European history. Matt gave me his old notes so I’ll have those to reference.

* * *

**8/17/16**

Dear Rover,

Matt left today, and I had my first day of school. And since it’s not open yet I couldn’t go to the library like I usually do during lunch.

Turns out Keith has the same lunch as me. We made eye contact so of course I had to sit with him. Didn’t talk much but it wasn’t too bad? He asked about Matt and I told him he left today and he said Shiro doesn’t start until September.

Keith seems to be as much of an outcast as I am. Kind of sucks being the new kid in school, especially for a school as big as Vista Verde. I invited him to try out for Scholars’ Bowl but he declined and said he wasn’t that good at trivia.

(“But college applications Keith!” “I’m doing other things!”)

Well, achievement still unlocked I guess.

* * *

**8/31/16**

Dear Rover,

I’ve already had two tests in AP Euro and I am ready to die.

Also, Dad said he’s got a new “classified project” at work, and when I asked why he’s bothering to mention it at all if it’s “classified” he said it’s because it’ll probably “get off the ground” - pun definitely intended judging by the look on his face - by the time Matt graduates from college.

I guess Matt can get a job fresh out of school then.

* * *

**9/12/16**

Dear Rover,

I miss Matt. Nothing, especially not Scholars’ Bowl, is the same without him, and neither of us has enough time to talk every day. He likes college though and says he’s made friends, which is…better than me.

Sometimes I go into the library but sometimes I sit with Keith at lunch. He reads a lot too and we’ve started swapping books. Also he’s in the same precalculus class as me, but he gets weirdly uncomfortable about it. It’s his only really ‘advanced’ class.

Well, only two-and-a-half more months until Matt comes home for Thanksgiving break.

* * *

**10/28/16**

Dear Rover,

Scholars’ Bowl meet! We won, of course, though I’m a little sad that Matt wasn’t here for it. I bragged about it to him though, and he congratulated me, even asked how Blue View did.

Lance is still an alternate this year and considers himself their good luck charm even though he isn’t usually asked to compete. I pointed out that he’s not a very effective good luck charm if his team keeps losing against us.

He looked so embarrassed! It was funny and even Hunk laughed.

I ended up swapping phone numbers with Lance and Hunk, which brings my number of non-family and non-group project members’ phone numbers up to…three, including Keith. I doubt I’ll text them much though…

**Addendum:** Hunk texted asking if I’d like to hang out with him and Lance sometime. I said sure, so long as AP Euro doesn’t kill me first.

* * *

**11/24/16**

Dear Rover,

Matt’s home for Thanksgiving! And Nonna’s visiting  us this year but oh no she’s already started asking me if I have a boyfriend.

Nonna, I barely have any  friends . Why the hell would I have a  boyfriend ?

When I said no, she asked if I had any boys I like. “Boys” in the  plural . Guess she thinks I need options?

She also thinks Matt and I are too skinny and gave Mom grief for not feeding us enough, except Nonna got really quiet when Mom told her that Dad does half the cooking since they both have busy work schedules.

I took Matt to see Fantastic Beasts. It wasn’t as good as I hoped it would be, kind of boring actually, but the magical creatures were all really cool.

* * *

**12/1/16**

Dear Rover,

The French Revolution(s) can kiss my ass.

* * *

**12/10/16**

Dear Rover,

Matt’s home again for almost a month! Right in time for him to see me suffer for finals though.

Except we’re already making plans, and he promised to take me Christmas shopping since I procrastinated again.

(”You’re always so attentive about Cyber Monday though!” Oh, blah blah, Matt!)

I’m trying to make plans with Hunk and Lance at least once during break too, and I think I know of a way I can kill two - or three - birds with one stone.

* * *

**12/14/16**

Dear Rover,

Blue View beat us at the meet today even though Lance wasn’t there (he’s on the varsity swim team and that takes precedence, according to Hunk). Ha, so much for being the “good luck charm”…

Hunk still congratulated us on a good competition. He didn’t think he was in top form, but I told him of course he was! He joked he missed his “good luck charm”, and something about that didn’t sit well with me.

I was happy for them winning, and disappointed that we didn’t, but even when my team loses I still have fun. And today just wasn’t as much fun.

In any case, I told Hunk - and even texted Lance - that we’d beat them next time. Hunk laughed, and Lance, the loser, sent me an eye-rolling emoji hours later.

* * *

**12/20/16**

Dear Rover,

I regret letting Matt drag me to a swim meet (for his friend). It’s not so much that I didn’t want to go - Matt’s back until after New Year’s and I wanted to take advantage of that! - but who I saw there.

Of course, since the teams are in the same league, both Vista Verde and Blue View were competing at this meet, which means I saw Lance - and Hunk, in the audience. But that’s not so bad? Ugh apparently Jack the Jerk from middle school now goes to Blue View, and he’s on their swim team.

God, I was so glad I didn’t have to deal with him anymore, and yet there he is, in a perfectly innocent ~~apart from those swimmers’ physiques~~ setting. I had to keep my head down the entire time in case he looked up. Matt definitely noticed - and talked to me about it afterward - and, to my  horror , so did Hunk, but he completely misattributed my aversion and thought I was trying to avoid checking out Lance.

Can you believe his nerve?! As if I’d want to look that closely at  Lance , of all people! Sure he’s got a flat stomach and toned arms and legs and smooth-looking skin and hair that somehow still looks good even when it’s soaking wet but it’s not like he’s—

FINE I’m adult enough to admit I find Lance attractive. So what? I find plenty of other people attractive too, like Shiro, and that kid whose name I don’t know in chemistry, and that one actress in the new Star Wars trilogy, and, my point is, not just Lance.

(And to prove it, I won’t cross out everything I just wrote!)

Anyway…you, this journal, are sworn to secrecy. Solemnly swear that you will never tell a soul.

* * *

**12/25/16**

Dear Rover,

Somehow, some way, I convinced Mom and Dad to let me and Matt go to the movies on Christmas Day. It was busy but WORTH IT.

We also met Hunk and Lance, arranged by yours truly. Yeah, I know, I’m surprised too. Never took myself for a social butterfly, right?

Anyway, I ended up sitting between Matt and Lance inside the theater, and every time K2-SO4 opened his mouth - or spoke, because he didn’t have a mouth - Lance leaned towards me and whispered, “That’s you, Pidge.”

Until K2-SO4 died. Then Lance apologized and said he’s glad I’m not dead. I told him that I’m glad I’m not dead too.

Also, I’m unashamed to say that the movie made me cry. I heard Hunk cry too, and even Matt’s and Lance’s eyes were looking a little red and I know one of them  sniffled at the end.

Oh, and I can’t believe I almost forgot! Mom and Dad bought me the final part I need for my computer! Soon I’ll have it all put together and booted up and ready to be put to work.

And because school sucks the first thing I’ll probably have to do is write an essay about German principalities for AP Euro with it.

* * *

**1/2/17**

Dear Rover,

Matt’s leaving tomorrow and a few days after that I go back to school. Meanwhile my computer’s now intact but there’s something wrong with it. It’s not booting up and I feel like I’ve tried everything but it’s still not working.

Ugh, I’m too tired to troubleshoot. I shouldn’t have stayed up all night New Year’s Eve…

* * *

**1/6/17**

Dear Rover,

SUCCESS

* * *

**1/8/17**

Dear Rover,

Who the hell assigns an essay on the  first day back after winter break ? My jerkass English teacher, that’s who! God, and last semester was almost  tame with him.

Oh, and Dr. Montgomery decided to up the number of Scholars’ Bowl practices, which means I have less time to do homework, but, well, she’s determined to beat Blue View again this year so I can’t really fault her because I want to kick their asses too.

But gosh my computer works so well and perfectly now that I’ve finished (hopefully!) debugging it. It’s not exactly elegant in appearance - too heavy to carry it daily - but it gets the job done and then some. I have the world at my fingertips! Imagine the damage I can cause with this…

* * *

**1/29/17**

Dear Rover,

My AP Euro teacher keeps reminding us that the AP exam is in May and oh wow it’s not like I don’t already have the cloud of exams hanging over my head! Dude I barely have it figured out what I want to do with my life yet I already have to worry about the SAT since there’s a new one this year different from the version Matt took which means my point of reference is useless!

Also I need to ask either Mom or Dad to come speak on Career Day. Probably Dad, since his job is flashier and about space travel, and he can tease even  more people about that “classified” project. Poor Mom, working a dull IT job…

Speaking of Career Day, people - family, teachers, miscellaneous adults - keep asking me where I want to go to college and what I want to do after. You know, the cliche “what do you want to be when you grow up” question, but now when they ask you they expect you to have everything planned out.

I tell them I want to work at JPL like Dad usually, but that feels like a filler answer. I’m good with computers, and math and science (though less chemistry and more physics) are my strongest subjects, but…I don’t know. Is that  really what I want to do with the rest of my life?

I kind of keep thinking back on the plane and the feeling of flying. Is that weird? I’ve never thought about something like  piloting seriously before…

I’ll ask Matt what he thinks.

* * *

**2/14/17**

Dear Rover,

Apparently hacking the school’s system and rigging the intercom to play cheesy love songs all day won’t be received well by faculty despite it being Valentine’s. Why not though? I mean, you can hire the school choir to serenade your sweetheart with the song of your choice during lunch. I just did it for everyone for free!

Principal called Dad. Neither was impressed, which I suppose is fair. Both reassured me I’m lucky that I’m not getting suspended and that I should “focus my energies” on passing my classes.

Uh, why? I’m doing well in all of them, even English and AP Euro!

Dr. Montgomery was pissed too, but then she complimented me on my technique. Though, in retrospect, she maybe wanted to find out what weakness in the system I exploited to do what I did.

At least Matt thought it was funny.

* * *

**2/28/17**

Dear Rover,

Oh, Career Day.

Well, here’s the thing. I talked to Mom and Dad about becoming a pilot - specifically about going into the Air Force - last night and they looked at me like I was crazy.

“But you have asthma!”

No shit, Mom.

Anyway, Matt’s a little doubtful too, which…ugh. But he’s not outright  dismissive of it like Mom and Dad are. They keep insisting that I “always wanted to be a scientist” and, sure, but why can’t I do both? I still have to  major in something when I go to college, don’t I?

Anyway, Career Day.

Dad’s talk was great, as usual, talking about NASA’s and JPL’s upcoming projects, and even a few details about the secret one (Pluto!). Everyone laughed when he said his least favorite thing about working at JPL was the commute, even though we’re all sophomore losers and most of us don’t even have our learner’s permits.

I mean, I’m a year younger than most of my classmates so I can’t get mine until November of my  junior year.

I did learn that Keith already has his  license today, actually. I saw him walking from the student parking lot when I was leaving my bus. Guess that means he’s on the older end of our grade?

Maybe he’d be willing to drive me to school. I’m tired of riding the bus.

* * *

**3/12/17**

Dear Rover,

Othello is a freaking idiot and he should’ve known better. So what Iago was his friend? Did he never watch Aladdin?

* * *

**3/29/17**

Dear Rover,

Welcome to Scholars’ Bowl Meet #3, where the points are added up and the facts do matter!

Also, we won. For some reason this particular fact doesn’t enthuse me as much anymore as it used to. Maybe because Matt’s not here?

For that matter, Lance wasn’t either,  again . According to Hunk, Blue View’s boys’ swim team is ranked really high this year so their season’s running long and the coach is making them practice extra.

I guess that makes sense, but, well…I don’t know.

* * *

**4/3/17**

Dear Rover,

Guess what I’m doing this summer?

I’M GOING TO SPACE CAMP! Specifically for two weeks in June!

Gah, it’s the best birthday present ever oh my God! I’m so excited I can’t sleep! As I’m writing this it’s…actually this entry is technically dated wrong now.

* * *

**4/29/17**

Dear Rover,

There’s only a week until my one and only AP exam. I’ve been writing so much my left hand feels like it’s about to fall off at the wrist, and I have smudges of graphite on the side of my hand and I’m genuinely worried I’ll never wash it away. Actually, my wrist is so sore I probably shouldn’t be writing this now. Is it too late to learn ambidexterity?

Keith is ambidextrous, damn him. I’m so jealous. Like, it’s weird, I mostly see him write with his left hand, but he usually eats and handles other things with his right hand. Wonder if he taught himself that trick…

Anyway, not long after the AP Euro exam is the last Scholars’ Bowl meet for this year! Wow, there’s an excellent chance I…might miss Lance and Hunk over the summer…though I guess we have each others’ contact information so it doesn’t have to be that way?

I still look forward to kicking their asses next year.

* * *

**5/5/17**

Dear Rover,

I’m giving myself carpal tunnel syndrome just to write that I am  done with AP Euro and I, for one, cannot wait until I take an AP class with an exam that doesn’t require  three freaking essays .

* * *

**5/13/17**

Dear Rover,

Ugh, Blue View took the season’s trophy this year, but I suppose it’s only fair since we won it last year.

Naturally Lance is back to gloating about being their good luck charm, and this time he actually had to play? Ironic. But no listen! He’s not as well-rounded in trivia as someone like Matt or Hunk, but he’s easily the best person with pop culture trivia, and it turned out that pop culture is what murdered my team this time around. It was  just enough to put Blue View over the edge, and us a few points behind.

There’s always next year. Better watch out…

* * *

**5/29/17**

Dear Rover,

HOLY FREAKING CRAP.

I have learned a thing about Keith that I never expected, because he’s so reserved? Anyway, turns out he got held back a year because of a disciplinary issue,  and kicked out of his last school which is why he transferred to Vista Verde. And I found out completely by accident because I hacked the school’s grading system since I wanted to see what grade my asshole English teacher Haxus gave me (he hasn’t updated it yet…) and I came across Keith’s records and got way too curious about him since he’s…kind of secretive?

Anyway he got expelled for getting into a fight with a  teacher . Didn’t say what the fight was about, but I know Shiro went to that same school before he transferred to Vista Verde for his (and Matt’s) junior year so I wonder if something weird happened.

* * *

**6/1/17**

Dear Rover,

Matt’s not coming home this summer and is taking classes to get ahead instead because he wants to get an internship during the academic year. Or so he says.

I’m…really sad, and somehow not as excited about going to space camp as I was just a few days ago. And I leave in a little more than a week…God.


	2. June 2016 to August 2018

**6/10/17**

Dear Rover,

I leave for space camp tomorrow and I’m too excited to sleep! And Mom’s waking me up at six AM because I have an airplane to catch…

In any case, I’ll take you with me but I’ll probably be too busy to make any entries. Gosh, two whole weeks at space camp…I’m going to be so busy and exhausted and it’s going to be so much fun! And best of all, maybe I’ll make friends with people who are more like me than my classmates are?

**Addendum:** As it turns out…and wonder of wonders but I’m starting to think Fate is a real actual thing…Lance and Hunk are on my team at space camp.

This. Is.  Weird .

* * *

**6/16/17**

Dear Rover,

So today isn’t really a free day so much as we have a tiny bit of free time and I have  so much to share that I can’t wait until tonight when Mom and Dad get home from work and I can call them. Also, this is just something…it’s just something:

I’m having so much fun! I even got to  scuba dive , of all things, since being underwater is comparable to being in space. Not nearly the same, of course, but as close as you can get without escaping Earth’s atmosphere. Also there are simulations and team-building exercises and competitions and I actually really like working with Lance and Hunk? Like rather than just competing against them at Scholars’ Bowl meets? I’ve learned so much about them in less than a week even though I’ve already known them for almost two years and that’s so wild.

For example, Hunk likes math and science but he wants to go to culinary school and become a chef. But his parents are also set on him studying engineering? He insists he likes engineering but his constant comments about our meals here - both positive and negative - make me think cooking is his  real passion.

Lance wants to be a pilot! He wants to go into the Air Force and holy crap that’s what I want to do too? I don’t know why I never thought Lance and I could have something so  basic in common and yet we do. It’s so weird and for some reason that makes me really…“proud” doesn’t seem like the right word, but it’s the closest I can get. I’m really…God, he surprises me so much sometimes, because one minute he’s flirting with and smirking at a random girl on a different team - like my roommate, Plaxum, for example - then the next he’s more focused on whatever activity we’re doing.

And when I admit that I don’t think I  can be a pilot or anything like that because I’m short and skinny and weak and asthmatic, Lance tries to sympathize because he struggles to keep some of his grades up while balancing other important activities. It’s not the same though, and I told him so, because he  can improve his grades but it’s not like I can cure my asthma - thanks smog - or “just add milk” to grow a few more inches or something.

At least I can help  other people - even Lance - get to space.

(Also I accidentally volunteered to tutor him if he ever needs help…even though Hunk goes to the same school as him. Whoops? Ah, well, I guess it’s up to Lance to take me up on that offer.)

Hunk thinks I’d be a great computer programmer or engineer. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that I managed to smuggle my computer into camp - and that they both saw it once when they visited my room. I meant to keep that out of view in case a counselor came by, since technically nothing bigger than a handheld device is allowed.

Which reminds me that Mom is probably home from work by now and I should call her.

* * *

**6/24/17**

Dear Rover,

Okay, I  think I’ve recovered from the awesome that was space camp…right in time for a meeting with my guidance counselor. Doesn’t Dr. Ryner have anything better to do this summer? Well, Mom and Dad insisted, especially after I ended up with a freaking  C+ in English. What went wrong?

“Mr. Haxus hates me” apparently isn’t a valid excuse.

Anyway, second half of space camp was also amazing. I miss it already and it will forever live in my memory, especially that night we sneaked away from camp after curfew and didn’t get caught! Only downside was that I had to watch Lance try to hit on every girl he met ~~except me~~. Well, that, and I had to wake up before six AM  every .  Single .  Day .

And now, I get to spend the rest of the summer relaxing! And hanging out with Lance and Hunk sometimes, and I’ll even drag Keith along if I have to. I still miss Matt, I think, but it’s not so bad since I have friends now.

**Addendum:** As it turns out, I do  not get to spend the rest of the summer relaxing. FRICK.

* * *

**6/30/17**

Dear Rover,

Tomorrow I have my first day of SAT prep class, the result of a disaster meeting with my guidance counselor and based off recommendations from my jerkass English teacher. Apparently my “reading comprehension could use some work”. Thanks, jerkass, it’s not  my fault ye olde writers pen things in such mind-numbingly boring and complex language. You know, the kind that makes my eyes glaze over after only a few sentences?

So now twice a week until I take the SAT in  March , I’m taking a prep class. Mostly for reading and essay-writing, but Dr. Ryner thought it would be a good idea if I reviewed math too.

It’s going to be  boring .

Also I went to the movies with Lance, Hunk, and even Keith today. I made the mistake of convincing Lance to let Keith pick the movie, and Keith chose 47 Meters Down. And it turns out that Lance does  not like scary movies and will cling to whoever’s arm is closest…in this case mine. I think I still have little crescent moon imprints on my arm thanks to his fingernails.

(They’re better groomed than mine! What the heck!)

* * *

**7/4/17**

Dear Rover,

Operation: Illegal Fireworks commenced anew tonight, and this time we might’ve gotten away with it. Well, it was only probably because Lance’s parents were out for the whole weekend and his older brother happily supplied while also absolving himself of responsibility if we  were caught by making himself scarce.

Hunk was a nervous mess at first but he got surprisingly into it after the first few firecrackers. He even made snacks for us once he calmed down!

We reminisced a bit about space camp too. Hunk even admitted that he’s worried we won’t be as close anymore once school starts again, and I think Lance might’ve been concerned about the same thing too. Of course, Lance said we can still hang out beyond school, and I pointed out that there’s always about an hour of free time during Scholars’ Bowl meets.

Then I got into my problems with school and that it might restrict my time with them, and they weren’t too pleased with that. Lance even seemed surprised and said he thought I was good at everything.

Just a typical humid July night…

* * *

**7/15/17**

Dear Rover,

I passed the AP Euro exam! With a 4, which isn’t  perfect , but it’s something! I told Matt too and he says he’s proud of me. Hell, even Mom and Dad are proud of me because I  passed .

I asked them if that meant I could quit the SAT class, but they just laughed, because how else am I going to work for JPL if I don’t have a high enough SAT score to get into a great college?

* * *

**7/24/17**

Dear Rover,

I went bowling with Lance and Hunk today. I invited Keith too but he said Shiro was in town, and, like a fool, rather than bringing him he insisted he wanted to spend time with him without  our dastardly presence. Well, whatever.

Anyway, it’s kind of…weird? But Lance didn’t try hitting on the shoe counter girl. He just smiled when she gave him his shoes and said thank you - like a  normal person . Hunk teased him about it, said that maybe he was finally learning to “properly” talk to women, but when Lance laughed it seemed a little awkward? Maybe I’m just imagining things.

Yeah, I probably was, because it was all normal after that. We played two games. Lance won the first and Hunk won the second. I was tempted to demand a rematch just so I could win one too but it was getting late and they wanted to eat before we all went home.

And tomorrow I have more prep. I hate the SAT and I haven’t even taken it yet! Why do I need it to get into college? Why are college admissions offices so cruel?

* * *

**7/30/17**

Dear Rover,

This time Lance and Hunk refused to let Keith even attempt to pick the movie, and sadly I agreed with them. We ended up seeing Spider-man, even though Lance confessed he’d already seen it with his sister and her kids, but he said it was worth seeing a second time in theaters.

And oh boy do I agree! It was so much fun! Faith in comic book adaptations restored!

Side note: Lance wouldn’t stop throwing popcorn at me for most of the movie, even though he sat on Hunk’s other side. A few pieces got stuck in my hair - still have to shower to wash out that weird buttery salt smell gross - so I made him pick them out and buy me ice cream afterward.

Hunk said Lance didn’t deserve that “reward”, which made no sense to me but it must’ve to him because he turned red. Also, I disagree, because Lance totally deserved to suffer for getting  popcorn in my HAIR .

* * *

**8/13/17**

Dear Rover,

We start school in a few days so I invited Keith, Lance, and Hunk to my house. We didn’t really do much, just played some games.

Also, I can’t  believe that was Keith’s first time playing Mario Kart. I absolutely  refuse to accept it, because he was just too good and it made no sense. He’s still not as good as me (of course) but Lance was  fuming the entire time. I thought he was going to burst a blood vessel or something when Keith’s character hit his kart with a red shell.

Matt called while they were there, and he asked me to pass each of them the phone. He didn’t talk much to Keith, as quiet as he usually is, but I worried for a bit that he’d use up all my minutes with how long he talked to Hunk and Lance.

(When I accused him of that he reminded me our cell plan has unlimited minutes. Go figure.)

What the hell did they even  talk about for that long? Scholars’ Bowl? College? The SAT?  Me ? Oh, God, if it was me that would be  terrifying . What horror stories is Matt telling ~~Lance~~ my friends?

Anyway Lance had my phone in his hand when Matt finally hung up and he went through my photos… He laughed himself silly at a photo of me and Bae-Bae, just because I was imitating him with my tongue lolling out. Real mature, Lance.

Speaking of Bae-Bae, he was completely enchanted by them! Like, Mom and Dad seem to like my friends, but Bae-Bae adores them. Actually, now that I think about it, it might be his fault that Lance did so poorly against Keith in Mario Kart, since Bae-Bae kept trying to sit in his lap and Lance struggled to hold the controller around him, long noodly swimmer arms aside.

Then again, I shouldn’t be making excuses for him, not when I kicked  everyone’s asses.

* * *

**8/15/17**

Dear Rover,

Is Mr. Haxus the  only English teacher at this freaking school? Because dear God am I sick and tired of his stupid mutton chops.

(Okay, that’s not fair. Mr. Sendak the jerkass French teacher has  real mutton chops, like could totally be mistaken for Wolverine if he didn’t wear an eyepatch and, oh yeah, wasn’t a real freaking jerk too.)

I also have Dr. Montgomery for AP chemistry, which is cool. And Keith’s in my AP calculus class so if that teacher proves to be a terror at least I’ll have a friend to suffer with me.

Speaking of suffering, I had to reschedule one day a week of my SAT prep class because that’s when we practice for Scholars’ Bowl. Damn the tutoring agency’s willingness to accommodate my needs.

* * *

**8/20/17**

Dear Rover,

Lance just texted me asking if I can meet him at the public library and help him with his algebra II homework on Friday after school. I’d love to, but why doesn’t he ask Hunk? They go to the same school!

Anyway, spending time with Lance, even if we’re studying, is rather appealing.

I accept.

* * *

**8/23/17**

Dear Rover,

Lance is so weird.

Well, not in a bad way, obviously, but sometimes he has this weird laid back jokey attitude that makes me think he’s lazy or uncaring or any number of negative things like that, but he actually really cares about his grades and wants to get them up. He brings up the whole “junior year is the most important year in high school” argument, and mentions his worry that he’ll be rejected from the Air Force Academy if he doesn’t get at least B’s in all of his classes.

(Also, he’s taking AP bio? And not dying like everyone else I know who’s taking it? Like I said,  weird .)

He’s ambitious and even though I like like him and we’re friends, it still surprises me that he’s like  that . And it shouldn’t! Maybe I just don’t give him enough credit and maybe that makes me an awful friend.

Well, I’m still kind of new to this friend thing, but I’m learning.

He does suck at math though, but wants to improve his grade enough that he can take precalculus and AP physics next year. He didn’t exactly thank me for pointing out that precalculus is a  prerequisite for AP physics and that his counselor probably won’t let him take them at the same time.

“But I need to get into college, Pidge!”

You don’t  have to take physics as an AP though! And apparently you’re good at BIOLOGY.

Plus, when he talks for long enough (which is often) his accent…changes? It’s kind of cute, actually, the way he has this accent. I can’t quite place it, but it sounds vaguely Spanish and he rolls his tongue on his R’s a bit.

I should ask him! He probably wouldn’t mind.

~~ Also he keeps running his fingers through his hair and I should not want to copy him as much as I do. ~~

* * *

**8/24/17**

Dear Rover,

Turns out Lance was born in Cuba and moved to California when he was ten. Huh, the more you know.

* * *

**9/8/17**

Dear Rover,

I had the scare of my life today.

I forgot to take you out of my backpack after going to study at the library yesterday (and I’m still not sure what I was thinking bringing you with me anyway since I never took you out), but Haxus  saw you during English .

Why does that jerk  hate me? What did I ever do to him that made him  reach into my backpack and  open you up and  read from you out loud to the whole FREAKING class ? God, I’m so mortified. Sure, he only read the first entry, but that’s embarrassing enough! My personal property, Rover!

Anyway, you’re back now, and I’ve learned my lesson.

Ugh, it was bad enough that I couldn’t shake myself out of it even when I met Lance for the second time today. He asked what was wrong and I didn’t want to tell him but it ended up spilling out and I started  sobbing and getting mortified all over again even though he was nice about it, guiding me out of the library and letting me literally cry onto his shoulder and rubbing my back.

He agreed Haxus is a jerk.

He suggested I report it too but I said there was no point, he’s done similar to other students. I’ll just have to be more careful.

**Addendum:** I ended up telling Mom and she’s already called Principal Iverson on his  personal cell and made him swear that I’ll get a new teacher. The only problem is that Haxus is the only AP  Language teacher, which means I now have to take regular English.

Ah, well, can’t say I’m too upset since I’m not terribly good in English anyway.

Anyway, I love Mom.

* * *

**9/22/17**

Dear Rover,

Lance is now asking for help in chemistry. His grade’s nearly at a D. I know for a  fact that Hunk is better at chemistry than I am, so I finally asked Lance why he’s not asking Hunk, his actual classmate, to tutor him.

He gave me some weird response about how I’m smart and even if I’m not as patient as Hunk I’m still a good tutor and usually when he sees me we’re also with Hunk and “three’s a crowd”. Didn’t help that he wouldn’t look directly at me when he explained it…

It made me feel a little weird, hearing that. At first I was offended that he called me impatient, but then I really listened and…well, my stomach is doing something funny even as I write this down.

What the hell.

* * *

**10/12/17**

Dear Rover,

I texted Lance and Hunk a couple days ago that we’re going to crush them at the meet in a couple weeks. Unintended consequence was Lance following up with the idea to go to the football game on Friday (today), since their school was playing against mine. “Stoke the rivalry” were his exact words, ha ha.

So we did that. I met them at Blue View’s stadium and ended up sitting on their side of the stands so I wouldn’t be alone.

It was weird. Except for a couple swim meets, mostly with Matt, I’ve never been to an athletic event even for my school. And it was fun! Well, I only know as much about football as I’ve picked up from being in the same room while Mom and Dad watched the Super Bowl (because they’re not really into sports either), but I guess there’s something about being in the stadium with other people and the game going on right in front of you?

Didn’t hurt that I was with my friends, obviously.

The funny thing is that Hunk has the build of a linebacker (I think that’s the right position?) but he flinched every time there was a really devastating tackle, no matter on whose side it happened, at least until the second quarter when he got as into as Lance was.

Watching Lance cheer is even more entertaining in this kind of setting. Sometimes I still remember when he and Matt got into their weird cheer-off at my first Scholars’ Bowl meet, but now that I’m friends with him it’s so much more fun to witness. It’s weird.

I told him off for being too loud though. He has  no respect for my ears.

* * *

**10/28/17**

Dear Rover,

I was right, Vista Verde crushed Blue View, perhaps in revenge for our loss at the football game. Then again, Scholars’ Bowl is chock full of nerds, so most of us, unless we’re also in marching band, don’t really care.

On the bright side, I got to see Lance pout adorably again.

And now, I cram for that AP chem test in a few days…

* * *

**10/31/17**

Dear Rover,

I did the inadvisable and rather than studying for a test in AP chemistry I went to a Halloween party with Lance, Hunk, and Keith.

(I’m still not sure  how they managed to convince Keith since he’s such a wallflower, even worse than I am. I suspect they consulted Shiro.)

It was my first “high school” party, which meant that it was too loud, the music sucked, and a handful of people were drunk. Also, I have no idea whose house it was, I just know it belongs to someone that goes to Lance’s and Hunk’s school rather than to mine.

They also have a cat! Poor kitty, I feel sorry for it. I think Keith tried to catch and comfort it, but it kept darting away from him.

Lance dragged me in to dance with him during the one song playing that I actually liked. It had a good electronic beat and wasn’t super fast!

I’m also pleasantly surprised he didn’t ask anyone else to dance with him. There were probably plenty of girls there that would’ve given him a chance, all things like alcohol and atmosphere considered.

He got unfairly annoyed though when a guy I don’t know tried to talk to me. The guy gave me Pepsi in a red cup and Lance warned me it was probably spiked.

Duh, I’m not  stupid and I’ve seen  movies .

Hunk, unsurprisingly the only sober one between the three boys, drove me home. For some bizarre reason I thought he was going to talk to me about Lance, but then he just said good night and wished me luck on my AP chem test.

I didn’t even know I’d mentioned that to him.

* * *

**11/1/17**

Dear Rover,

I  so needed that luck.

* * *

**11/11/17**

Dear Rover,

No no no no no no. I do NOT have time for this! God, I could just  scream but I won’t because that’ll just get Mom’s attention and I do  not need her to question me about it when I’ve barely figured it out.

And, uh, this is awkward even to admit to  myself , so let me start at the beginning:

A few days ago, Hunk suggested the three of us go see the new Thor movie. I wanted to invite Keith too, but he said he was going to visit Shiro over the long weekend, so that was fine.

Then Hunk’s grandfather had a heart attack, which, of course, is awful (and he's recovering now!), but that meant he left me alone to suffer with—

I can’t even…write his name right now? What the  hell , brain, or heart, or whichever of you makes these decisions without consulting me! For all I know it was my  liver …

Anyway, that’s not important. What IS important is what happened during the movie.

The theater was crowded when we got there since we were a bit late, but we managed to find  three empty seats in a row, just right by the wall. We used the third seat for our jackets, but maybe halfway through the movie Lance gets cold and wants his jacket back.

He leaned over me, and his face got so close to mine I could see the color of his eyes (blue) even in the dark.

~~I thought he was going to~~ I thought he was going to kiss me.

That was the first thing that crossed my mind when he reached over me for his stupid jacket. It was just his  stupid jacket .

It was a silly thought too though, but when he leaned away…my heart kind of sank? I got really sad and disappointed and curled up into a ball as much as I could in a movie theater chair.

I still don’t feel well. God, this is the  worst .

And oh, it gets worse.

When we left, Lance asked if I wanted anything to eat since it was around dinnertime. I said no, because I was still reeling from what happened - or  didn’t \- happen during the movie. He could tell something was wrong though. He asked if I was okay, and I lied and said my stomach hurt.

Actually it wasn’t that far from a lie…

So I called Dad and asked him to pick me up earlier than I’d told him originally. He asked if anything happened too and I told him the same thing (now he thinks it’s my “time of the month”. Dammit, Dad).

When Dad asked me how the movie was, I said it was good. The awful thing is that I barely remember anything because what happened - or, again,  didn’t happen - between me and Lance overshadowed the movie’s plot. I’m kind of mad about that too, actually.

But in conclusion, I thought Lance was going to kiss me, and when I felt the way I did after he did not, I was disappointed and realized that I  wanted him to kiss me. And when I realized  that , I came to the logical conclusion that I have a big fat crush on my friend Lance.

I think I’m going to scream into my pillow now and wish for it to swallow me whole.

* * *

**11/12/17**

Dear Rover,

I had some time to process the conclusion from last night.

It hasn’t changed, unfortunately, and if anything cost me sleep.

But I  have decided on a course of action, and that is to avoid Lance until my crush goes away. This means not texting him of my own volition (and being brief in my replies to him), making up excuses for why I can’t tutor him, declining hanging out with him, except maybe when either Hunk or Keith is there to act as a buffer, and pretending like he doesn’t exist at the next Scholars’ Bowl meet!

Hopefully I’ll be over it by then though.

I should probably also…distract myself or something. I have AP classes to worry about, and SAT prep, and a few other clubs along with Scholars’ Bowl. I should have no problem finding things to do that don’t involve Lance! It’ll be  easy .

* * *

**11/16/17**

Dear Rover,

It is  not easy.

Do you know how many times Lance has texted me since the movie?

Okay, I don’t know either because I’m trying to ignore them. So far I’ve only canceled a tutoring session by telling him that Scholars’ Bowl practice got rescheduled last minute. Otherwise I just really want to reply.

I want to talk to Matt, but every time I think I can say out loud “hey I ~~think~~ definitely have a huge freaking crush on my best friend” I choke on the words and back in they go, buried deep in my brain or heart or  liver .

( ~~Love~~  "Like" is a poison it needs to hurry up and  process . I’m counting on you, liver.)

* * *

**11/20/17**

Dear Rover,

Non-AP English is almost a breeze in comparison, which means it’s awfulness isn’t enough to serve its purpose and  distract me.

Also, in related news, Hunk is asking me if I’m deliberately avoiding Lance. How dare you make assumptions about me, Hunk!

I told him that I’m not, I’m just too busy to talk to him, but Hunk called me out on it and said that if I have time to text him I should have time to at the very least text Lance.

~~ Does this mean Lance…misses me? ~~

I can…feel my resolve weakening, bit by bit. Even Keith can tell something’s up with me, because he  asked me about it. I told him I was fine, but I doubt he believes me.

A crush is sort of like a disease though. It kind of feels like it’s killing me slowly and that the cure would be to just  talk to him! Well, I’d rather continue to suffer, at least until it proves contagious.

~~ Maybe I can infect Lance… ~~

* * *

**11/24/17**

Dear Rover,

Usually Thanksgiving break is a relief from school (and SAT prep), and usually I wouldn’t bring you along to Nonna’s house, but this is an emergency (and I’m doing my best to keep you hidden from my nosy cousins because they would  die if they saw what’s going on now).

It feels like a mourning period, now that I think about it. I mean, not to discount the grief of people that actually lose someone they love, but it’s like I lost Lance. He is - or  was \- my friend, and I’ve lost him. And it’s all my fault too.

At least Matt’s here. He knows something’s bothering me, but he also knows not to press the issue until I’m ready to talk about it, and I really don’t think I am yet. I  want to, but God I just want it to go away. Do people actually  like having crushes? Because I don’t!

I want to see him and talk to him and hear his voice and now I sound so cheesy and I don’t know if I hate that or not. I should be more worried about upcoming tests and the Scholars’ Bowl meet in less than a month but instead I’m moping about a guy.

And the funny thing is that the more I think about it, the more I  do want him to like me back. Why can’t he?

Oh, right, because I’m definitely not his type. I’m not tall, or curvy, and I may have long hair but it’s not sleek or shiny. I’m rude and abrasive sometimes, and I’m smart to the point of being pedantic and too “correct”. No, I’m not the sort of girl that catches Lance’s attention  at all .

And I don’t want to be her either, so this is fine. I’m miserable but this is  fine .

* * *

**12/3/17**

Dear Rover,

I cracked. I agreed to meet Hunk at the first swim meet of the season and I regret  everything .

In my defense, I performed abysmally on my last AP chem exam, and I was preempting my parents’ murder of me by seeing Lance one last time. But I still refused to talk to him.

I know he knows I was there though, because he looked straight at me and got this really deep frown, rather than a pout, on his face. Little lines were on his forehead too, and I just…

He looked so upset like that, and it’s my fault!

Hunk told me I should stop avoiding him. He didn’t ask why I am, and I didn’t bother telling him that I wasn’t, but I think he knows. Of  course he knows!

Lance won first place in one of his events and third in the other.

Jack the Jerk is still on the Blue View swim team too, and I think if not for my crush-related misery I would’ve been more affected by his presence. But between him and wanting to continue to avoid Lance, I left as quickly as I could after the second of Lance’s events.

Incidentally, my parents were, as I expected, pissed about my chemistry grade. They did not, however, murder me. Unfortunately.

* * *

**12/10/17**

Dear Rover,

It’s…done? I think?

No, not the crush, though I wish, but I kind of…saw that there’s really no point in avoiding Lance, not when talking to him (yes, I did that today!) made me so stupidly happy even though he was justifiably annoyed with me half the time.

Anyway, we’re friends again, or I think so. Ha, I  definitely think so because I suspect he got himself disqualified from the day’s swim meet for me.

Wishful thinking? I don’t believe so. Let me explain:

It was between two of the early races. I was sitting with Hunk in the stands when Lance comes up. Before I can react properly he tells me that we need to talk and, like a fool, I agree. (Hunk walked away to give us space…how dare he leave me alone with Lance.)

Lance asked outright if I’m avoiding him. I didn’t have a lie prepared so I said I was. Inevitably he wanted to know why - and why must he look like a kicked puppy? Be still, my guilty heart - and I told him it didn’t matter - it does - and that I didn’t want to talk about it - I don’t - and that it’s nothing he did - except what gave him the right to make me feel like this?

Okay, it’s not  actually his fault I have a crush on him. It’s just aggravating!

I’m not sure he bought that though, and…I’m surprised he accepted that and didn’t press me for details? He just said that as long as I’m okay and we’re still friends then I don’t have to tell him.

That weird cloud of tension is still hanging over us though…I hope it goes away soon.

We ended up talking for the next couple races, before he had to get ready for his first one. Which means he was with me when Jack the Jerk swam his.

I don’t even know how I reacted when I spotted Jack winning his race, but apparently it was noticeable enough to Lance. He asked, and this time I answered, told him a bit about my “history” with Jack.

He scowled, then left to get ready for his own race.

Next thing Hunk and I heard was that the swimmer from Blue View got disqualified from the butterfly for  punching his teammate .

…wow.

* * *

**12/16/17**

Dear Rover,

Blue View won the Scholars’ Bowl meet today, damn them, but I’d be angrier about it if it wasn’t for Lance’s stupid satisfied smile.

Speaking of, he only got let off for a warning for the incident at the swim meet, and when I saw him and Hunk and asked about what happened a few days ago, he didn’t seem too unhappy about the outcome.

Both of them are going on vacation for their winter breaks, but Keith’s sticking around. Also, Matt’s home! He got back a few days ago, and it’s been too long since I’ve seen him which means we have a lot to catch up on!

Sadly I won’t be watching the new Star Wars movie with Lance and Hunk though, but I went with Matt, Keith, Shiro, and Dad, so that was fun. Actually, when I texted Lance about it he  called me just to whine that I’d seen it without him. After I threatened him with spoilers - and spilled a few fake ones - he hung up.

Ha, I can imagine him pouting.

* * *

**12/31/17**

Dear Rover,

Christmas was kind of dull this year. At least I had two weeks off from SAT prep as well as school though.

I got a couple new video games from Matt and Dad. Lance made me promise to wait for him to play  those since I “owed” him after watching Star Wars without him. I told him he was being ridiculous but ended up agreeing because I’m weak.

Speaking of Lance…ah, crap. Matt figured it out. Noticed me smiling at my phone - I was  not ! - and put the pieces together between what I said. As it turns out, I talk about Lance WAY too much.

I hate them both.

* * *

**1/15/18**

Dear Rover,

Is it weird that I sometimes think Lance might like me too? Because sure he teases me, but he never crosses any lines. And sometimes he smiles at me and I swear his eyes look so soft, which is a weird way for eyes to look (unless they’re like…fish eyes on your dinner plate or something) but they  do . It’s a little hard to describe what it looks like, let alone how it makes me  feel .

(Too much, too nice. What the hell.)

Also, sure, he’s a Flirt (emphasized) but now that I think about it I haven’t seen him flirt with anyone since space camp.

And I don’t want to be cliche but…half the time it seems like we’re THIS CLOSE to holding hands and I’m so tempted to take the plunge myself but nope, I think I’d rather suffer in ignorance, especially since I’m almost  certain it’s wishful thinking and he is definitely not as into me as I am into him.

HA I almost wish I had the courage to talk to Hunk about it though. I bet  he could give me some insight, if I asked.

* * *

**1/31/18**

Dear Rover,

I’m taking the SAT in April but every time I think about it I feel a little sick. I guess it helps that I don’t have to deal with Mr. Haxus in English anymore, and that I’m taking the prep class, but everyone keeps saying “this is the most important test you have ever taken” and that doesn’t HELP.

Of course, I can do just fine. My practice math scores are nearly perfect, and my reading scores  have improved, but I’m pretty sure it’ll be different during the actual exam.

In the meantime, I’ve got AP chemistry and calculus to keep me entertained when English and history and the SAT have got me down. And tutoring Lance. That’s some unexpected practice too.

I wonder if Hunk has any testing tips? He gets test anxiety so if anyone can help it’s probably him.

* * *

**2/14/18**

Dear Rover,

I met with Hunk and Lance at the mall today since it was a Saturday. Lance was oddly mopey for some reason so I told them about last year’s Valentine’s Day exploits.

It made ~~Lance~~ them laugh! Achievement unlocked.

Of course, that got us into a conversation about what else I can do, and then Hunk and I got into a debate about double versus single modulation (double is superior  obviously ) and it turns out he’s taking AP computer science and I’m jealous because I want to take that but I can’t until next year because it’s only offered to seniors.

Well, patience is not a virtue I have. Also…I’m already intimately familiar with Java and C++  anyway . Ha, I can probably take the AP exam this year with my eyes closed (take  that College Board!).

If only I had that confidence when dealing with the SAT…

* * *

**2/28/18**

Dear Rover,

For some reason I thought it would be a good idea to binge watch a cartoon with Keith, Lance, and Hunk at Lance’s house even though Keith and I have a calculus test ~~tomorrow~~ today. I’d say that I’m never starting a new TV show on a Sunday night ever again, but I know I’d be lying.

At least the show is good! It came recommended by Matt, and since the second season just got put up on Netflix he thought it would be a good time to start it. He maybe should’ve specified that he didn’t mean  immediately , though hypothetically my judgment should be better than this.

Also…Lance fell asleep halfway through the second season and his head fell onto my head. I’m 99 percent sure Hunk, the traitor, snapped a picture when I wasn’t looking but I couldn’t stop him because I didn’t want to wake up Lance.

Maybe there’s a reality where I  don’t have a test in the morning and won’t regret last night.

* * *

**3/14/18**

Dear Rover,

No spring break, we study for the SAT like men!

Kill me.

* * *

**3/20/18**

Dear Rover,

Blue View won the Scholars’ Bowl meet today  again . I swore revenge and that we, despite being the underdogs going into the final meet, would take the first place trophy.

I did get annoyed with Lance when he  condescendingly patted my head after the awards. One, I’m proud of me because I was starting to get worried that my stupid crush made me stupidly indulgent towards him, and two,  how dare he . Vista Verde will show ~~him~~ them next time!

Also he keeps reminding me we haven’t gotten together to play my new games yet. Man, I  want to, but SAT prep and the tutoring and his swimming stuff are just so draining on time.

* * *

**4/1/18**

Dear Rover,

The Exam Dreams have begun. Last night I got a perfect score but felt absolutely no relief. The night  before I held the envelope (even though it’s all electronic now ha) with the score report in my hand but woke up before I could look at it.

Dammit, Brain. Get a  grip . It’s not  that important…and only my entire life.

Some April Fool’s prank.

* * *

**4/3/18**

Dear Rover,

My birthday treated me (for a given definition of “treated”) to a dream about Lance. It was innocent, of course, except for the part where he kissed me.

Like, that’s the  only thing about the dream I remember. I don’t remember anything leading up to it, or our surroundings, or what happened after. All I can recall is the Kiss, which, oh no, I’m not going to be able to look him in the eye later when I go to tutor him but I must try.

**Addendum:** Lance got me an  owl plush for my birthday. When I asked him why an owl, of all things, he said because owls were smart “like me”, except when I pointed out that owls really aren’t that smart and it’s probably only their association with Athena, the Greek goddess of wisdom, that gives them that reputation, he turned red and joked that I was just proving his point.

(I might’ve turned a little red too.)

Ugh and between my dream last night and the thoughtful yet strange gift, I could barely concentrate on actual  tutoring and kept forgetting how matrix multiplication works so in the end we were  both confused and had to finish early lest I really screw him up. Ah, well, I ended up buying him coffee to make up for the mistake, even though, as he so kindly pointed out, it was  my birthday rather than his.

* * *

**4/15/18**

Dear Rover,

Oh boy I have taken the SAT and am I glad it’s over. Mom and Dad promised to take me to my favorite restaurant for dinner to make up for it, so we’re about to leave for that.

I last minute invited Lance and Hunk over since, what a coincidence, they ended up taking the SAT on the same day as me. Different rooms though, since I didn’t see them until  after we’d finished and I spotted them hanging out in the courtyard.

So we went to my house (Hunk drove) and made sandwiches. Mom made us smoothies and Dad tried to press for test details but Lance insisted the College Board made us  sign not to talk about it (I think he just didn’t want to talk about something unpleasant). Hunk, on the other hand, was too happy to dish.

I’m starting to think Dad has a favorite friend…

In other news, I can’t find my brand new copy of Killbot Phantasm, and Lance was the last person to handle it.

* * *

**4/30/18**

Dear Rover,

AP exams and final exams and  Lance’s exams all have me kind of freaking out but it will be  fine .

Also, I owe Lance an asskicking for  stealing my game . No, I don’t care that you can beat me only if you deprive me of it! If you want to play against me you can come to my house or invite me to yours, not  steal it from me .

* * *

**5/13/18**

Dear Rover,

I’m wiped and can probably sleep for a week if I put my mind to it. Really, I’d  love to slip into a coma right about now, but the last Scholars’ Bowl meet is  tomorrow , on top of which I still have a few finals for my non-AP classes to study for, plus a few last assignments due soon.  And Dr. Montgomery nominated  me to be next year’s team captain.

Why  me ? I told Matt about it, and he started laughing and at first (though it did hurt my feelings a little to think about) I thought he was going to validate my doubt but then he said that she sees that a certain Blue View player might have me as a weakness.

Okay, Matt, first of all, what the hell are you implying? Second of all, if you’re implying what I think you’re implying…Lance isn’t even a regular player! He’s their alternate!

~~ Does Matt think he likes me too though? ~~

* * *

**5/15/18**

Dear Rover,

Vista Verde won! Take  that , Blue View!

Also I was  officially voted in as team captain next year. Guess that means something else to put on my college applications?

And Lance wasn’t even there…Hunk said he was sick when I asked. I think I’ll text him and see how he’s doing.

* * *

**5/28/18**

Dear Rover,

School’s out and SAT scores are out! Holy…I scored perfectly in the math section and can now die marginally happier than I would’ve before actually taking the damn exam. Reading and the essay…leave a little to be desired but they’re way better than I would’ve gotten without that stupid prep class.

(Mom, Dad, if you’re reading this - which you shouldn’t be - please don’t say “I told you so”.)

Matt’s only coming home for a couple weeks in July, which is better than  last summer but still not enough in my opinion. Maybe by then, Lance will  finally give me Killbot back so that Matt and I can play. Or so that Matt can prove he actually  did beat all the dungeons while away at school. Not sure if I believe him yet…

Also…Dad’s making me learn how to drive. That’s fine, I guess, but now I have to worry about driver’s ed.

Also, I signed up for AP computer science next year, but I’ve heard some bad things about the teacher at my school. Like…that he’s a sexist. Ugh of course he is. In the meantime, I’ve always wanted to build my own robot and prove the assholes wrong, and my family thought that would be a good idea - though Mom, pragmatic as ever, told me that it’s unlikely to change a jerk’s mind. That’s fine, I’m starting to slip into “college mode” (which is a hell of a mindset to be going into at the start of  summer vacation ) and that just makes more to talk about in my essays.

Speaking of, I’m now volunteering at the library two days a week. It’s mostly just stacking books, which will be dead boring, but I won’t have to chat with strangers (much) at least. Kind of replaces the SAT prep class in timing too.

Ha it’s already shaping up to be a busy and oddly school-ish summer. Hope my friends still have time for me though.

* * *

**6/12/18**

Dear Rover,

I’ve started some basic coding for my self-assigned robot project. And, of course, Hunk and Lance both want in, so I’m letting Hunk help me with the designs for the physical robot. He’s pretty good with engineering drawings, which isn’t all that surprising. Lance, though…

He’s got an eye for color, is maybe the best I can say for him. Except…

Lance admitted he didn’t do as well on the SAT as he’d hoped, so now I’ve been roped into helping him review for  that over the summer so he can retake in September. At least Hunk’s tutoring him too this time, so I’m not suffering alone.

Well, it’s not like any time spent in Lance’s company can be considered “suffering”. It’s just that I end up daydreaming a fair amount and laugh too much, which, again, isn’t a  bad thing, exactly, but just what if he finds out and it freaks him out because it’s  me and  he starts avoiding me and it all goes wrong when we’re  so damn close to finishing high school? Now isn’t the time to ruin a friendship, right?

Anyway, I have a volunteer shift at the library today…stacking books…my favorite past-time.

* * *

**6/15/18**

Dear Rover,

I don’t hate the beach as much as I used to, though there might be some bias involved. Let’s consider the facts here that were never present before:

I have friends. I went with those friends. Hunk drove, and Hunk is a good safe driver except when the road rage takes over. (Keith gets confined to the backseat for the express reason that he tries to backseat drive and  that stresses Hunk out more than actual road conditions.)

Oh, speaking of, Keith came with us, as did Shiro and - get this - Shiro’s  girlfriend . She’s visiting his family with him for the summer since, in Keith’s words, it’s getting “serious”. Ha, I’d be more impressed and awed if it wasn’t for my next point.

Lance.

I like Shiro’s girlfriend - who, from now on, will be called by her name. Allura’s really nice and seemed to have fun with us and has a killer volleyball serve (it nearly broke poor Hunk’s nose when he got hit in the face). But she’s also, let’s say, really hot.

I thought Lance was over this and had matured or  whatever made him stop hitting on every single girl that isn’t me! And yet, he wouldn’t stop staring at Allura. She wasn’t even wearing a bikini you goof!

Well I guess it’s worth mentioning that he didn’t keep it up for long. But  still !

Predictably, sand got everywhere and I’m really glad I let Lance convince me to  not bring my computer. Imagine trying to clean all that out from underneath the keys, or the touchpad, or just…ew, everything would’ve gotten sticky and gritty just like my hair.

Speaking of my hair, I let it get wet and the water was awful and cold and everything was  sticky and  salty and  sweaty . Curse my short stature! It was way too easy for Hunk and Lance to pick me up - and I bet they didn’t even have to  share the burden, those assholes - and carry me to the water and just  toss me into the waves.

Oh, and for extra insurance that I wouldn’t murder them after they did that, Lance  stole my headphones! As if stealing my video games isn’t enough! It’s not too late to  kill you, Lance, not when I can take the meaning of the word “crush” more literally.

He still hasn’t given them back and used them the entire car ride home.  And had the audacity to joke that if I used earphones rather than headphones he’d be more than happy to share his music with me.

And that’s not even getting into him smearing sunscreen directly onto my face! It nearly got into my eye and when I winced he had the shame to look guilty and wipe it away with a finger, all because he didn’t want a “repeat” of two summers ago… I can’t believe he remembered that!  I barely remember that!

Why the hell do I have feelings for this goofball?

* * *

**7/1/18**

Dear Rover,

Robot slowly coming along. Hunk and I have actually nearly finalized the physical design and will soon be ready to build. I sent a copy of it to Matt too and he gave a few pointers.

AP exam scores come out in a week and I am not ready. Or I am. I’m actually not sure.

Also…I’m not seeing Lance as much as I expected this summer. Almost every time we - and Hunk too usually - try to make plans he ends up being busy with a summer swimming league or whatever else he has to do for his Air Force Academy application. I’m glad he’s focusing on that but damn I think I actually miss him.

And I finally got my learner’s permit! I was a question shy of failing the test though because I didn’t study…

**Addendum:** Lance suggested building the robot out of Legos, which is…not a bad idea. Huh.

* * *

**7/4/18**

Dear Rover,

Library’s closed this week since it’s a holiday and nearly midsummer (stupid government doesn’t give the library enough money), so before we met with Hunk and Keith like usual, Lance came over to my house with his SAT workbook so I could help him through the statistics section and…uh…something weird happened.

We took a break around two because my stomach started growling (I skipped lunch) and Lance wouldn’t stop laughing about it, which meant both of us were too distracted to actually get anything done. So I made a box of macaroni and cheese to share, but then Lance tried to take over because I was “helping enough” with the tutoring.

I told him that it’s my house and he can get out of the way and I’ll finish the macaroni, because it’s not like it’s  hard to cook. Except then we ended up tugging the wooden spoon back and forth, and then I realized we were standing really close and froze while my brain screamed at me to either move closer or back away.

He looked down and for one crazy minute I thought he wanted to…kiss me…or something.

Then the pot boiled over.

It was so  awkward afterward and we ate in silence and when we  did talk our conversation sounded so  stilted , and when we returned to tutoring I was too preoccupied and kept missing Lance’s arithmetic mistakes. And it didn’t feel normal again until Hunk arrived - and thank God he was  earlier than he said he’d be.

“Overcompensating for traffic”, my ass. I’d bet all the money I have saved in every single video game I’ve ever played that Lance texted him when I wasn’t looking begging him to come over early so he wouldn’t have to be alone with me anymore.

I hate how miserable the idea of that makes me feel.

* * *

**7/10/18**

Dear Rover,

I started driver’s ed, but that wasn’t even the highlight of my day, if it can be called something so “positive”.

(Also, it turns out I’m a terrible driver, but Dad and my instructor keep reassuring me that it’s because I’m a beginner.)

All right, so, library was actually open today, and I went to shelve some books. Keith was also there, so we worked on it together and ended up finishing early and just goofing off in a corner by picking random trashy paperbacks off the shelves and “judging” them by their covers and guessing what they were about based on their taglines. So, good harmless friendly fun.

Then Lance walked in and ruined everything.

Why is he like this? I just don’t get it! He was just mad at Keith for absolutely no reason! And they’ve been getting along!

I asked him ahead of time if he wanted to meet for ice cream after my shift at the library, and he was for it and we agreed to meet there and walk to the shop a few blocks away, but then he had the audacity to be mad at Keith! And accusing us of making a scene!

Well, excuse  me , Lance, but you’re the one making a scene!

I’m just…ugh. I told him off for being ridiculous and called Mom asking her to pick me up early. I was so angry with Lance I didn’t even have time to be upset about it until later.

I need him to apologize, because there was no reason for him to act that way, but I just  know it’s going to take him a while - if he ever bothers - and I’m too stubborn to talk to him before he does. So for now…

Avoidance, my old friend.

* * *

**7/19/18**

Dear Rover,

Coding for the robot is going terribly now. I’m making all the dumb mistakes and it’s taking me way too long to catch them.

Also made the mistake of accepting Hunk’s invitation to go bowling. When I saw Lance, I decided I didn’t want to bowl and spent the entire time in the arcade area, wasting quarters on the claw machine. I did, eventually, get a toy out of it: a dolphin plush, of all things.

Keith joined me for a bit and beat it on his very  first attempt. He pulled a small stuffed red lion from it, and for one stupid second I worried he’d give it to me.

Probably wouldn’t have worried about it if I hadn’t just spotted Lance from over Keith’s shoulder…

God, this is so  aggravating . But every time we look at each other - by  accident \- I see the sad kicked puppy look on his face and have to look away. But he  deserves it. None of this is  my fault!

At least he was nicer to Keith today, as far as I saw considering I mostly avoided him.

Hunk told me that he was now helping Lance with SAT prep stuff. It’s a load off my shoulders, but I’m not ashamed to admit that I miss it.

Shit.

**Addendum:** I got my AP exam scores. Passed everything (calculus, chemistry, U.S. history). I wonder how ~~Lance~~ everyone else did in theirs.

* * *

**7/21/18**

Dear Rover,

Matt’s home! I still suck at driving! And I’m still not talking to Lance!

(Only one of those things can cheer me up though.)

* * *

**7/28/18**

Dear Rover,

Today’s Lance’s birthday and I forgot to get him anything which…now seems unnecessary since we’re not even on speaking terms. Like a lovesick fool I opened my messages with him and I haven’t sent or received anything from him in over two weeks.

I talked to Matt about it, because it’s just too much and I wanted to know what he thought.

He thought I was right. Also, he thinks Lance was acting out of jealousy, which I’m not sure I believe considering how long it took for Lance and Keith to get to the point where they were “friendly”. Except, well, they got on well enough when we - or they - went bowling earlier in the month.

Oh, whatever. I ended up cracking and Matt, with extreme reluctance, took me to Target and I used a portion of my measly savings to buy a new copy of Killbot. Then I grabbed that dolphin plush I won from the claw machine, stuffed it and the game into a random gift bag, and convinced Matt to drive me by Lance’s house.

(”He’s  your boyfriend. Why can’t  you drive?”

“Because I want to survive the drive! Also he’s  not my boyfriend!”)

I didn’t give a card. I just left a folded piece of notebook paper and wrote: “Either apologize or give me back my game.”

We’ll see how he takes it, I guess.

* * *

**8/4/18**

Dear Rover,

School starts in a little over a week, and damn, it’s my last year  already ? It seems like only yesterday I was a nearly friendless freshman younger than the rest of my classmates…and now I’m about to start applying to college.

Which… crap . I’m about to start applying to college!

Sure, I have my list of schools, from the Prestigious to the Backup, but then I have to fill out forms online and write essays and make sure my SAT scores and AP scores get sent and choose a major (almost certainly computer science or computer engineering since I’ve pretty much given up on the Air Force and piloting thing…thanks, Dad, for all the hints you keep dropping about “job openings” related to your “secret Pluto project”) and really, why do I deserve to go to college when I can’t even get a stupid simple robot made of LEGOS to work?

Well, to be fair, I have a very unclear idea of what I want Legobot (his prototype name) to do.

* * *

**8/10/18**

Dear Rover,

Lance broke his - or our - silence today and  called , and because I was too surprised to think it through, I answered.

He asked me to meet him at the library, and I went, and…he apologized.

He  apologized for, and I quote (as closely as I can), “being a jealous jerk”. Which means…Matt was  right ?

I honestly have no idea what to make of it. I wanted to ask why he was jealous of Keith but couldn’t really bring myself to. Is Keith also applying to the AF Academy? Does Lance think for some weird reason that he has a better chance? Because in my opinion (which may or may not be biased) Keith’s a pretty apathetic student. Sure, he’s smart, but he doesn’t really…care that much. Actually, now that I think about it, I don’t even know what Keith wants to do after high school.

Wait, that’s not relevant right now.

So my point was that Lance apologized, thanked me for the birthday gift, and freaking  finally returned my copy of Killbot.  And asked me if I wanted to come over and play  his .

The answer to that question was yes.

Anyway, long story short, I went to his house (Lance got his driver’s license while we weren’t talking and borrowed his dad’s car to drive to the library…and I rode with him illegally because his license is still “provisional” but who even cares) ostensibly to play a video game but we ended up chatting and catching up in the car instead.

And I can’t believe I still have my stupid crush. I just want to kiss his stupid face…or something…sometimes.

Then again, I was late coming home and Mom and Dad were mad that I didn’t tell them where I went after the library, because “boys are only after one thing”.

Okay, they didn’t  really say that, because they’ve met Lance and they like him. I just don’t think they like him anywhere  near as much as I do…hopefully.

Lance still won’t give back my headphones though. Asshole.


	3. August 2018 to April 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the ~Future~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe my longest fic in a while is a high school AU with a diary/journal format...

**8/19/18**

Dear Rover,

Hallelujah another English class not taught by Mr. Haxus! And this time it’s AP!

Well, that’ll provide its own hurdles, but at least I don’t have to worry about a jerkass setting them up higher than they need to be.

Also, I have to worry about Scholars’ Bowl tryouts a little bit  differently than usual, since because I’m team captain I have to make a short  speech . Something about a common love of trivia uniting us in teamwork, probably, or perhaps about our common drive to defeat Blue View High School a second year in a row.

AP computer science is…not as great as I hoped. The teacher isn’t as  bad as his reputation made him seem, but he’s kind of…dull. He speaks in a monotone and everything he’s teaching I pretty much already know, so…what’s the point?

Well, if nothing else, maybe I’ll walk away with some pointers on building Legobot.

* * *

**8/31/18**

Dear Rover,

If a crime happens, this doesn’t count as a confession, so strike it from the record that I want to kill Dr. Montgomery.

So this year, as every year, Scholars’ Bowl is broke. Unfortunately, this year we are more broke than usual and can’t even afford the buses required to drive us to our events, which means we must fundraise. So now we are co-planning with the debate club to put on an event called “Morp”.

You heard that right. It’s  Morp , or backwards prom. It’s not even a real dance so much as a chill gathering that may involve dancing, and people can dress up in costumes rather than dresses and suits.

Completely coincidentally, it’s already scheduled for the day after Halloween.

Well, it may not be a “dance” but at least we can still invite students from other schools…if we want.

* * *

**9/18/18**

Dear Rover,

I was trying to sleep in on this lovely Saturday morning, but alas, Lance had other plans and freaking  woke me up at the  crack of dawn (actually after seven) because he wanted me to wish him luck on his SAT retake.

You don’t  need luck, you goof! You just need to remember what you learned and have some confidence. Or, that’s what I told him. I’m not sure it helped though because he didn’t say anything for a few seconds, until I wondered if he was okay - I might’ve sounded a bit cranky thanks to him waking me up - and he  thanked me instead.

And hung up without saying goodbye!

I tried to go back to sleep but when I couldn’t I tried to do some homework and when I couldn’t do  that I ended up playing Killbot until Lance called  again to tell me he was done and asking if I wanted to get frozen yogurt with him and of course because I’m pathetic I said yes and he picked me up and we went and got frozen yogurt and I let him whine about the exam and about his college applications (AF Academy among them) and about the upcoming swim season and everything else.

I might have…lobbed a spoonful of yogurt and peanut butter chips at him. And it might have…struck him right in the nose.

Naturally we got kicked out of the place for instigating a food fight.

* * *

**9/30/18**

Dear Rover,

Morp, Legobot, college applications, the existential dread that comes with realizing that it’s your last year of high school. Yes, this is what’s weighing on me at the moment.

Oh, and of course, there’s also  captaining the Scholars’ Bowl team. Even  Hunk doesn’t have to deal with that in  his school’s team.

Lucky bastard.

* * *

**10/11/18**

Dear Rover,

I learned two very crucial facts about Keith today, one of which is extremely time sensitive and the jerk didn’t tell us about it  sooner !

First, between Keith’s hints and details gleaned from Shiro, I have learned that Keith does in fact have a plan for after high school. He’s enlisting in the Air Force as soon as he graduates (he wanted to do it sooner but Shiro convinced him he should finish school). Apparently he originally wanted to apply to the Academy like Lance is, but some academic asshole (I suspect Iverson) told him that because of his expulsion and subsequently getting held back a year he shouldn’t even bother.

(Before Keith got expelled, he was on his school’s varsity baseball team as a  freshman . What the  heck .)

Second, and arguably more important, Keith’s birthday is in October, which is  this month . Wow, Keith, thanks for letting us know. We now have to scramble to do something for him. And I never would’ve found out if I hadn’t peaked (somewhat intentionally) at a form poking out of his backpack during lunch.

So now Hunk, Lance, and I have to scramble to put something together for him. And yes, we are well aware that he would give no indication of what he wants for a birthday if we ask him, which is why we have to do this in  secret .

* * *

**10/23/18**

Dear Rover,

I have proved myself an evil genius, all because of how I got Keith to his own birthday party.

Please consider me, car-less and listless and “missing” the bus home, asking the first loser (Keith) that I know if he might give me a ride to Hunk’s house so that we may work on Legobot. I tell him a sob story about how my parents are too busy with  their work to pick me up and give me the ride. And Keith, being the kind soul that he is, accepts this without question.

(He doesn’t even ask where Legobot is, and probably thinks all of the required materials fit comfortably into my backpack…Poor, naive fool.)

So Keith gets to drive  himself to his own doom, and I get to watch his jaw drop when Lance, almost more surprised than the target of the surprise, very nearly threw Hunk’s well-made and beautiful chocolate ice cream cake into his face.

(Hunk rescued the cake and now regrets letting Lance hold it. It was also a little melted by the time we ate it and he wishes he’d kept it in the freezer the entire time.)

Anyway, it was a very quiet and calm birthday party. We played cards and gave him gifts and prank-called Shiro and got our asses handed to us when Allura answered instead but it was fun and I think Keith had fun too, which is obviously what matters.

Also, I bought him a stuffed black lion to go with the red one from the claw machine for his birthday. When I presented it to him during lunch, he stared at it for so long I worried it was about to burst into flames. Or that he would burst into tears. Sometimes I really can’t tell with him.

* * *

**10/29/18**

Dear Rover,

First Scholars’ Bowl meet of the year…my  last “first” Scholars’ Bowl meet of the year. That is  so weird, because in ninth grade I thought I’d be more excited about finishing high school, and yet it feels like something amazing will soon come to an end. And I’m not sure I want it to anymore.

Well, it was also a little different because Lance got to play today, except this time…we crushed his school. Take  that !

And, uh, shit, I accidentally asked Lance to Morp. The words just kind of came tumbling out, a “hey we have this weird backwards prom thing that we’re holding after Halloween do you want to come with me”, and when he got this wide-eyed deer-in-headlights look I had to backtrack and insist that we could just go as friends since that’s usually what people do and oh if he doesn’t want to go I could ask Keith and  that’s when he came unstuck and said he’d love to.

Listen, he said he’d  love to go to Morp with me…as friends.

Also, I think he might’ve kind of asked me to his prom…he said he’d go with me to Morp if I agreed to go with him to  his school’s prom. Hunk overheard and  interrupted , “Isn’t it a little early to ask someone to prom?” And Lance turned red and said something about it being equivalent exchange and it’s only  fair I go to something of his if he goes to something of mine and I don’t disagree but he seemed a little weird about it and I don’t know why.

Either way, I have a date with Lance! Except not really!

* * *

**11/1/18**

Dear Rover,

Halloween wasn’t very noteworthy this year. Lance and Hunk ended up spending theirs taking small relatives trick-or-treating, Keith went to visit Shiro for the weekend, and I just called Matt for a bit before I worked on Legobot’s coding and trying to figure out how to make him walk across the living room without bumping into anything.

Morp, on the other hand, was a lot more fun than I expected! I don’t know if it was because Lance came with me - and him being an alternate from our biggest rivals made him the center of attention a few times and of course he  liked it \- but fun was had. There were a bunch of random games to play, both more active ones like (I kid you not) pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey to boardgames like Connect Four and  Monopoly .

(Dr. Montgomery was queen of the Monopoly board, and somehow I don’t think that’s fair.)

Anyway, Lance said he had fun with me too, and after he drove me back home he…kissed my cheek.

God, my face gets warm if I only  think about it.

* * *

**11/5/18**

Dear Rover,

Hunk found my journal. He  says he didn’t read any of it but I know he’s lying. And I’d say I wish I’d been writing all this in binary all along if I didn’t suspect that Hunk would be able to read  that too.

Which begs the question…did Hunk find anything  out ?

**Addendum:** Hunk found many things out, including that I didn’t have any friends before meeting them (which earned me a trademarked Hunk Hug) and that I have a big fat obnoxious crush on Lance.

Great.

* * *

**11/15/18**

Dear Rover,

College applications are going to murder me indiscriminately without even bothering to hide my body. On the bright side, they spare themselves the trouble of digging a mass grave since there’s no way I’m the only one suffering but  still .

Speaking of, Lance got his SAT scores and he seems pleased with them. I was a little critical of them - told him he could’ve done better - but he looked annoyed when I said that so I had to backtrack and tell him that I’m happy he improved and that he’s happy with them.

I ended up going with Hunk to his first swim meet of the year because I felt a little bad about that. He did three races and placed in two of them. When he met us outside he smiled really big when he spotted me and I swear my breath caught as he hugged me and even though he’d just finished swimming he felt really warm and he smelled like chlorine but it was so nice and now all I really want is to do that again.

Hunk gave me this knowing look when Lance left to grab his forgotten jacket from the locker room. He then suggested I should tell him, and when I said I don’t want to because I doubt he feels the same and I’d rather have him as a friend than not at all (especially since I gave the “not at all” a spin more than once and it was  awful both times) he shrugged and said that it might turn out better than I expect.

Before I could  demand what he knew Lance came back and we all went to get ice cream and whine about college and classes and needing a break.

* * *

**11/30/18**

Dear Rover,

Cyber Monday blessed me with a part necessary for Legobot. And Thanksgiving blessed me with a much-needed break,  finally submitting the last of my college applications, and eating way too much food.

Unfortunately, no friends were seen during break, and even Matt didn’t come home, but he promised at least a week for winter.

* * *

**12/4/18**

Dear Rover,

Who cares about final exams when they’re done applying to college? Honestly, I’d be happy if I never looked at another free-body diagram or sonnet or anything like that ever again!

Not that free-body diagrams are like sonnets. Or even hard to do. Gravity points down, normal force points up. And for the record, I like physics  much better than English.

Scholars’ Bowl is still fun, at least, and we netted a decent amount of profit from Morp. Ha, of course, I had to mock Lance about helping out his rival by coming to Morp with me…except he went and pointed out that I bought his ticket, so really, I was the fool and he was the one having fun.

Sure, whatever you say, Lance.

I  finally had my last driver’s ed behind-the-wheel training today too. Somehow, I passed the practice road test too, except the instructor kept warning me about actually  stopping at stop signs.

I told Mom and Dad that instead of giving me a used car they should get me a motorized scooter, because hey, scooters are small and cute! And they may not be fast but that just means I can’t take one on the freeway. I’ll still be able to feel the air beneath my wings! Probably.

I bet a scooter is more fun to drive than a car anyway.

* * *

**12/15/18**

Dear Rover,

Blue View won the match today. I guess we’re taking turns again this year. Damn Lance and his smug smile. For that matter, damn  Hunk and  his smug smile too!

But now I have to study for finals. Keith and I have been working on English together since we have an in-class essay for a final, so we’ve been assembling quotes for our respective topics. I’ve also been…bored nearly to tears. I hope I don’t fall asleep mid-essay or something on the day of the exam.  That would be more tragic than a poem about death and loneliness.

Legobot is coming along. He can walk! Now I just need to install some hardware and I can work on making him speak too.

* * *

**12/25/18**

Dear Rover,

No scooter for Christmas. Dammit I need to hint harder.

Matt’s home until the day after New Year though! Which means I have someone to hint along with me so long as I bring him in on my plan.

He  could stand to stop trying to talk to me about Lance though. No, I’m not going to tell him that I have feelings for him. No, I don’t care if Christmas and New Year and winter in general are the perfect and magical times to do that. Speaking of “winter”, it’s barely rained and it’s warm. Stupid global warming, stupid  climate change …

Oh, right, Hunk was incredibly nice and bought me a microphone to install into Legobot so he could have  conversations . And Lance bought me the  speakers ! Have I ever mentioned that I love my friends? I should probably tell them that too actually.

* * *

**1/2/19**

Dear Rover,

I actually had a strong fall semester. I got A’s in, well, everything, even though I’m pretty sure I didn’t do so hot on my English final.

Still dropping hints about a scooter…maybe Mom and Dad are just  that bad at catching them, or I’m too good at subtlety. In any case, I’ve scheduled my road test for the end of this month! Oh boy I’m going to kill the tester and not even on purpose.

I dragged Matt to one of Lance’s swim meets today too. I’m not really sure  why they scheduled it the day after New Year, but Hunk couldn’t make it and there was  no way I was going alone, so Matt was my victim. Though it’s a good thing he and Lance are friends too.

Matt accused me of ogling Lance in his uniform. First of all, I was not  ogling , I was  admiring , and there’s a difference! Second of all…I didn’t even look that closely!

Lance then ended up coming to our house and staying for dinner and it was…nice. A little weird, because he sat next to me and sometimes it felt like we were the only two people in the room, but not even in a cheesy way. More like in a “hey do you want my mushrooms because I know you like mushrooms” kind of way.

* * *

**1/13/19**

Dear Rover,

As it turns out, it’s impossible to surprise Hunk. It’s just not doable. If you try, he  will sniff it out, he will know that you are lying or hiding something, and he will get to the bottom of it.

That didn’t stop us from trying to throw him a surprise party. Keith and I, along with Hunk’s older sister who is, by the way, very nice, scrambled to decorate his house (even though that same sister  warned us the surprise would fail and like fools we didn’t believe her) while Lance lured Hunk into the trap. Hunk was at least nice enough to try to look startled when we jumped out from behind the couch, but then he pointed to the cake  without looking at it and said that it  better be from his favorite bakery otherwise he refused to partake it.

Lance and Hunk’s sister were offended they’d get him any less. Hunk was satisfied with that.

He also seemed to like the mug designed like a beaker with measurements and stuff. I remembered that he likes chemistry (more than I do) and came across it once while at the mall with Mom so…the perfect birthday gift!

* * *

**1/20/19**

Dear Rover,

Guess who finally got a driver’s license.

Now, guess who still doesn’t have a vehicle of her own and is still stuck taking the bus.

Did you guess?

Oh, yeah, it’s me.

* * *

**1/29/19**

Dear Rover,

Please consider that we are less than two months away from admissions decisions and I am Not Ready. If I think about it I get this knot in my stomach and feel like Hunk must all the time. (Poor Hunk.) God, it almost sucks even more for Lance because he can hear back from the AF Academy as early as  February .

Keith, on the other hand, laughs at our misery. Or maybe he would if he was meaner.

In the meantime, I of course have to keep my grades afloat, which isn’t too hard until I remember that I’m finishing my homework ten minutes before I have to pass it in and I still have several AP exams I have to worry about this May before I graduate.

Holy shit I’m graduating. Why is it only just  now hitting me? I’m maybe moving out of my parents’ house and going out into the world to study computer science and build robots full time (though if Legobot thinks I’m abandoning him he’d better think again) and not only will Matt not have time for  me but I’ll have no time for  him and what about my friends? Have I made some just to lose them when we go our separate ways as we all must?

What if - and maybe this is something I should’ve thought about over a year ago when it first became a problem - my feelings for Lance  fade ? What if they poof out of existence until all that’s left is  maybe the friendship kind of fondness rather than whatever else it is? That’s almost so weird to think about because he’s my first…well, I’d had a few crushes before, but I’ve never felt this strongly about  anyone and to be honest the more I think about it the more I don’t want to feel that way about anyone  else ever . Is that… weird ? Is it too soon? Am I too  young ?

Wait, shit. Am I  in love with him?

Nope, absolutely not, I  refuse to even consider  that . Because  that is too much too soon and I can’t deal with that right now on the verge of a major life milestone.

* * *

**2/12/19**

Dear Rover,

I had to miss school because I was sick today. Not sick enough to justify staying in bed all day (Mom called around noon just to make sure I was moving around rather than lying there like a vegetable or something), but sick enough that rest made more sense than forcing myself through a school day. Stupid sore throat, stupid headache, stupid  allergies …

I have no idea how the news spread though, because less than an hour after school dismissal  Lance rings the doorbell.

Matt must’ve told him. Bastard.

“What are you doing out of bed?” he said.

What were you doing missing swimming practice or whatever you usually have after school!

Swimming season is over, apparently. Huh.

Anyway, I invited Lance in, even though, friend or not, Mom and Dad would  not approve of me being home alone with a  boy . But it was raining outside so it wasn’t like I was going to ask him to leave. I’m not  that rude, and besides, he drove from his school in the rain with a cinnamon hot chocolate (still warm) for me. I wasn’t about to kick him out.

Of course, the fact that I  may be in love with him plays into my decision-making too, but I probably won’t tell Mom that when she gets home.

We didn’t really even do much. I drank the hot chocolate he brought me and we played video games. I asked him when I was getting my headphones back and he laughed and said he forgot he even still had them.

I’m like 99 percent sure he lied about  forgetting .

Then, when I was feeling a little better, I suggested we go for a walk…and Lance stared at me as if I’d just grown a second head. And since I never like going on walks, maybe there was some merit to that assumption.

(Nope. Still one head. I just checked.)

So we went on a walk, even though it was after sunset and the pavement was wet and there were puddles and it was still drizzling. Well, the rain was cool which was nice since my skin felt a bit too hot, though I’m not sure if it was because I was a little feverish or if Lance had something to do with it.

Then a problem arose, because the rain and wind overcompensated and I got  cold . And like a fool, all I wore over a t-shirt was a thin sweater since I forgot my jacket at home.

Lance noticed and gave me his jacket.

Then he forgot his jacket when he finally left, and if, after keeping my headphones since  summer he thinks I’m giving it back anytime soon…he’s as much a fool as I am.

* * *

**2/28/19**

Dear Rover,

Lance is mad at me and I’m not sure I understand  why .

Okay, so, he got rejected from the Academy, and I could at least tell he was really bummed out about something when I met him and Hunk at the theater. At first I thought he wouldn’t talk to us about it until after the movie, but we were standing in line to get tickets when his sighing got annoying. And between that and just how awful  I felt seeing him like that - not  pouting like he does when he’s trying to exaggerate how upset he is, but full-on  frowning with a deep furrow in his forehead - I demanded to know what was wrong.

Lance came clean. Hunk suggested we go get ice cream or coffee instead of watching the movie, and when Lance agreed we walked over to the nearby cafe. Hunk bought us all coffees - well, he bought me a hot chocolate - and we sat at a table and talked through it with Lance.

Completely rationally, I asked Lance if he had a backup. He said yes, of course he did, he wasn’t an “idiot” and his parents made sure he thought about the worst-case scenario. But he insisted he wants to be a pilot, even if he gets into every single other school he applied to.

Hunk then tried to put a positive spin on things (probably by appealing to Lance’s weird sense of humor) by pointing out he could still be a commercial pilot and that “passenger planes are prettier anyway!” Which…well, it got a small smile out of him, and that was enough for me to try cheering him up a bit more.

“The Air Force just can’t appreciate a goofball like you!”

I don’t know  why that was the wrong thing to say, but next thing I know Lance goes from mopey but steadily cheery to downright  sulky . And rather than explain to me why what I said was wrong, he freaking  left ! He said something like “I’m sorry you feel that way”, pushed his chair back, and  walked away .

I now…I feel bad but I don’t know what I did wrong because I thought I was trying to cheer him up! What the hell! But now there’s this guilty pit in my stomach and my heart feels heavy and I…have a bad feeling Lance won’t be talking to me for a while.

* * *

**3/2/19**

Dear Rover,

Ugh. Lance won’t talk to me and college acceptances come out this month.

Also, Legobot’s code is very nearly done but it has so many  bugs and I’m struggling with the debugging.

And our next Scholars’ Bowl meet is this month, and yet? Practice is going poorly and I can’t bring myself to care about it and it’s all Lance’s fault.

Okay, it is  not Lance’s fault at all. I talked to Matt about what happened and…apparently some people think “goofball” is an insult, even if I didn’t mean it that way at all. And telling someone that the institution that rejected them doesn’t appreciate or deserve them? Isn’t particularly comforting either.

With this perspective…and the fact he never even  explained …God, does Lance hate me now? I asked Matt, and he thinks I’m being overdramatic, which, yes, maybe I am, Matt, but have you ever considered that, if he  doesn’t hate me, why he’s giving me the cold shoulder and refusing to reply to my texts?

Matt’s convinced Lance actually  likes me - like, has a  crush on me, likes me - but I remain unconvinced, because if he liked me, wouldn’t he  talk to me?

(No, Matt, the fact that  I’ve avoided him while mad-with-a-crush is  completely irrelevant and does not make me a hypocrite.)

I mean, Matt has a point though. I’ve never been thoughtful about my words. Sometimes something just kind of bursts out without my permission. It’s just that this time I thought I was doing something right and it ended up being wrong and now I have to apologize but how am I supposed to apologize if the person I’m apologizing to won’t even answer my damn texts?

* * *

**3/5/19**

Dear Rover,

I pulled an all-nighter for the express purpose of finishing the code for Legobot so that I can present it to my AP computer science teacher as my final project, even though it’s only March. Also, I thought Lance might find it amusing if, because I  finally succeeded in making him speak, I apologized through Legobot.

Assuming Lance ever wants to talk to me again, of course. I hope Hunk agrees to facilitate this…

Anyway, Legobot’s first words were “hello world”. Very original, I know. I guess his next words are going to be “Lance, Pidge is sorry and hopes you understand she didn’t mean it as an insult and hopes you’ll forgive her”.

(I’m still annoyed at Matt for introducing me to Lance and Hunk as “Pidge” because neither of them has  ever called me by my  actual name…but I guess I’m used to the stupid nickname by now.)

And now, I crash, because I’m exhausted.

**Addendum:** Hunk said he and Lance will meet me at the bowling alley in a few days! ALSO I GOT INTO MY TOP CHOICE SCHOOL HELLO WORLD HERE I COME.

* * *

**3/8/19**

Dear Rover,

This morning I was late meeting Lance and Hunk so I put on the first jacket I grabbed on my way out without looking at it.

It was Lance’s. I’d forgotten I still had that.

Anyway, I did it? I apologized to Lance and he forgave me! He thought Legobot apologizing was pretty funny - and complimented his design and me on finishing him - but said he liked it better when I apologized for myself. I did too, at least after the actual apology, because unlike Legobot, I earned a hug.

Not that I’ll tell Lance that I was nearly jealous of a brightly and gaudily designed robot shorter than my shin. I’ve swallowed enough of my pride for one day by apologizing.

We ended up bowling a couple matches too. Somehow, I won one.

Hunk got into his first choice school too! That makes…only two of us. Lance got accepted to one of his backups, and he congratulated us but I  know his jealous face.

I tried to give him his jacket back too, but then he said that it looks “better” on me and…what the  hell is that supposed to mean? Maybe Matt’s right, maybe he  does like me too, but until I see incontrovertible proof I  can’t tell him my feelings because:

(1) We’re graduating in just over two months, then there’s summer, then  college , and we’ll almost certainly be going our separate ways at that point. And then after that? Except maybe I’m  still thinking too far ahead…

(2) Matt can still be wrong, and then I’ll be heartbroken and our friendship will be ruined on top of that, because even if being friends is  fine I  know it’ll be weird after my feelings are out in the open and I don’t want that. Better and less risky to keep quiet.

In summary, what’s the point?

* * *

**3/12/19**

Dear Rover,

Lance brought it up first, when we were talking on the phone.

Well, no, not  that , but about the whole…long-distance friendship thing. I was shocked but had enough presence of mind to point out that we were kind of already doing that since we go to different high schools.

He thought  that was funny, at least.

He wasn’t reassured though, and I asked him if he’d talked to Hunk about this since, you know,  friendship . He said he had but that with me it was different, which, I don’t see  how and he didn’t explain even when I asked him to.

Whatever, I guess?

Anyway I said we could keep doing what we do when we  don’t see each other, like text and call and such, and when we happen to be in the same place, then we hang out, play games, all that. We’ll stay friends - we  can .

Then Lance laughed and said that’s not usual for  me to be the positive one, so then I joked that once I finally convince Mom and Dad to buy me a scooter, I’d drive across the country to visit him, even if it meant moving at only 30 mph the entire way.

I’m glad he found  that amusing too, because dear God if I had to drive  that slowly all the way across the country I would  die , and that’s not an exaggeration.

* * *

**3/19/19**

Dear Rover,

Holy  shit .

So, first thing’s first, but Mom and Dad  actually bought me a scooter? I can’t believe months of hinting paid off? I mean, it came with tons of warnings about driving safely and that I now have a curfew and that I must always wear a helmet. And it’s supposed to count as both an early birthday  and a graduation present but I have a vehicle and it’s exactly the kind I wanted, which  means I can totally drive Lance to the prom on a freaking  scooter !

Oh, well, that’s something I should explain too.

Lance made good on  my promise to go with him to his school’s prom. And, God, if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t even be interested in going to prom but oh boy he got me good.

He asked me to meet him at the library, and apparently it was an “emergency” because he has a precalculus test tomorrow. Naturally it proved to be B.S. since when I met him there he ambushed me with an AP computer science project for class, and I know for a  fact he’s not taking AP computer science. But he convinced me he needed my help debugging a program designed to play hangman.

I took the bait, because I wanted to see where the trail of B.S. led, like a fool.

There was no obvious bug in the stupid hangman code and I would bet my brand spanking new scooter  and all my favorite video games  and Lance’s jacket that Hunk either wrote the program or was very heavily involved in writing the program.

Lance asked me to prom through  hangman , because after guessing some letters, next thing I know, the question “will you go to prom with me?” is crawling over the computer screen…and Lance’s face is lividly red and he won’t look me in the eye because he’s so obviously flustered.

I could empathize.

I said yes, because the year ending and our lives changing or no, I’m not an idiot. Even if it means I’ll have to buy a dress now…I guess that’ll make Mom happy, since she’s always been a little annoyed that I skipped out on a lot of these high school “milestones” like homecoming and Friday night football games.

(I  did go to  one of those, Mom!)

Oh! And after that, we went for ice cream, and I swear Lance didn’t stop smiling the entire time we were together and God I’m not too proud to admit that I love seeing him smile.

It didn’t really hit me that I don’t know if we’re kind of… dating or not until after I’d scootered away. We should probably clear that up as soon as possible.

* * *

**3/25/19**

Dear Rover,

Aha my team won first place at the Scholars’ Bowl meet today, which puts us in a very nice position to take first for the season in May! Except…that wasn’t even the highlight of the day.

I kissed Lance.

Holy shit, I  kissed Lance.

I didn’t even mean to. It just kind of…happened? One minute I was gloating about winning while he rolled his eyes and pouted, and the next I had my arms around his neck and was tugging him down to my level. When I managed to collect myself I pulled away from him while he stared at me.

He was red, and I’m 100 percent sure I was too judging by how hot the room was.

Hunk broke the tension by whistling, and I don’t know if I hate him for that or if I owe him my gratitude.

I was still kind of waiting for Lance to react, and when he finally did both of us were running late to get to our respective team’s bus. He grabbed my hand,  squeezed it, and promised he’d call me.

I actually…just hung up from that. And I think prom’s going to be a lot more interesting than I thought it would be.

**Addendum:** Shit that was my first kiss.

* * *

**4/1-2/19**

Dear Rover,

Prom didn’t go as… smoothly as I expected it to. But I had fun! I had way more fun that I would’ve thought before Lance surprised me by asking me. And, well, without him - and Hunk too - I wouldn’t have even gone.

First, there was Mom insisting on pictures before I left, and she made me promise that I’d fix my hair when I got to Lance’s house (also she was kind of put out by the fact that Lance wasn’t picking  me up, even when I pointed out that he’d wanted to but I’d been the one to convince him it would be more memorable if we drove there on a scooter). I ended up promising her that I’d send her whatever pictures Lance’s parents took of us, and she was pleased enough with that.

Speaking of Lance’s parents, there’s an excellent chance they think I’m weird, probably  just because of the scooter. I’ve met them before though, so I doubt this was news to them, and I don’t think they even mind that much since they still seemed pretty happy. His mother even offered to help me fix my hair before the pictures!

It took Lance a little…effort to look me in the eye, and it was actually really…sweet? Because he was embarrassed and wow I can now appreciate the fact that he’s not  nearly as smooth as he thinks he is, not when he turns red every time he pays me a compliment or I so much as touch his hand.

There was a lot of that, by the way, both the compliments and the touching hands. I can’t judge him for the red face though because I’m sure mine was just as bad.

(Hunk had the audacity to tease me about that when we were at the dance too.)

He told me I look beautiful in green and, well, I had to give as good as I got so I told him the blue bow tie and gray tux suited him too. He preened, acting a bit  more like his excessive self, until I pointed out that his tie was knotted wrong and offered to fix it for him.

Oddly enough, Lance looks the perfect balance of goofy and handsome in a bow tie. Also, he must never know I think this.

By the time we finally got to the dance - after his family making us pose for more pictures than I can count (and Lance enjoying  that a lot more than I did) and eating - it had already been going for over an hour. The decorations weren’t that nice to look at - there was this weird  aliens theme, of all things, and it was very  purple \- and the DJ booth malfunctioned twice and it was crowded. And because it was crowded, and I was there with Lance and not three hundred random people I’d never met, we kind of just hung out outside the actual venue, only getting bits and pieces of the music and chatting and swaying to it. Hunk and his date - this super nice girl named Shay - were with us for most of the time.

Also, it started raining when we were halfway back to Lance’s house, which made the ride rather miserable since we were on my scooter. Well, Lance thought it was pretty funny once we stood on the porch, even though my dress was drenched and the hem muddy - which means I’m going to have to get it dry-cleaned - and I didn’t appreciate him laughing at me. But then he kissed me and I think that might’ve made up for it, especially when he explained his motive: “You were pouting but I wanted to see you smile.”

God, he’s  so sappy it’s almost disgusting. And I was so  annoyed that I  had to kiss him again.

How is it  fair that Lance can make me feel all kinds of warm and giddy and  fond and annoyed all at the same time? Well, the only recompense I have is that I seem to have the same effect on  him .

We might’ve gotten a little  too into the kissing then, which…God. It took his mother slamming the front door open to check what was taking us so long to interrupt us. And I think  that was officially the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me, and she’s not even  my mother.

Speaking of, how do I tell Mom and Dad I have a boyfriend now without them thinking it’s an April Fool’s joke?

* * *

**4/3/19**

~~ And here ends the first volume of the Memoirs of Katie “Pidge” Holt, genius and gamer extraordinaire and the gorgeous girlfriend of the outstanding future pilot-captain Lance ~~

Dear Rover,

I’m not making the mistake of asking Lance to hold a few things for me next time I tear my room apart looking for my missing financial aid packet.

(It fell behind my desk. Go figure.)

At this point, here at the end, I’ve dedicated way too many words to just  Lance , which is pretty embarrassing and it’s a good thing he didn’t peruse past this page…I think. Though I should give an honorable mention to Hunk, the  other person (that isn’t a jerkass teacher) to  read my journal without permission . Dammit, Hunk!

Except, well, according to Lance, the only reason he had the courage to ask me to prom was  because Hunk snooped. So thanks, Hunk.

High school is weird, as it turned out. You go in wanting it to end and as it finally does…well, you still want it to end, but not for the same reasons. I’m going to miss Hunk and Keith for sure when I go to college, and it goes without saying that I’ll miss Lance.

(Matt was in hysterics when I told him about Lance. He’s going to be rubbing that in - that he “told me so” - for  years .)

And, shit, it’s still not over. There’s still one last Scholars’ Bowl meet, a few AP exams, I  still haven’t shown Legobot off to my AP computer science teacher…and then graduation.

The funny thing is…this is the last page in this journal, but not the last page of high school. And I never thought I’d write much further than the first entry, yet here I am, wrapping one up four years later. I’m so  old now.

Oh, well. Maybe it’s time to get a new one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it, and remember, kids and adults, comments are love <3


End file.
